Brilliant or Stupid?

Smokers. Love them or simply be annoyed by them, they’ll probably be around forever whether we like it or not. Kinda like Republicans. But what to do with them? Name and shame them? Parade them through streets before putting them on show trials? Or douse them with gasoline and watch them ignite the next time they try to light up? (Kids, don’t try that at home… make sure you’re outside.)

Better yet, why not take after the tobacco companies and just make money off them?

Now that smoking bans are spreading across the globe we came up with just the idea: Turn abandoned old photo booths into smoking booths. The concept is simple and yet clever. We take photo booths that people do not use anymore and let smokers puff away inside them while charging them money for the privilege. Granted this idea has probably been done in cool places like Japan — where they ingeniously got around smoking regulations by creating a smoking lounge — but across the Pacific these ideas have yet to arrive.

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People are suckers for the latest exercise craze (yesterday it was the yoga ball, today it’s the ab chair — what’s next, the yoga twig?!) Yet everyone is cashing in on it except us.

By next week some city out there is going to yank out all the seats in a bus and replace them with yoga matts. “Why sit there doing nothing, when you can exercise your way to work/school/bank machine,” they’ll say, while jacking up the price of a bus fare. Regular bus, $2.75. Yoga Bus $22.95.

Well, we’re not one for being left behind trends (we got rid of our acid wash jeans way before anyone else did!) BrilliantOrStupid.com is proud to present the Fat-loss Spatula. This state-of-the-art ergonomically designed kitchen tool, specially engineered by people wearing white suits and talking formally, has been ‘proven’ to help you lose weight.

It’s also good for colonic irrigations too! Only $54.99 plus taxes, shipping and other fees. Buy one today! Buy two and we promise not to display any more pictures of fat men (we’ve got two on this site and we’d prefer to look at beautiful women, so obviously we’ve got to rein in the editorial operations of this site.) Wait, is it rein or reign?  I can’t remember. Just like defence and defense, you see it correctly one day, but the next you’re second guessing the spell check program written by people who have poor communication skills. I’ve lost 4,000 calories typing up rants for this site…

Editor’s Note: hey, fat men are our best customers, can you retract that statement?

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People go through all kinds of transformations (remember Britney’s  Kojak phase? How about Kojak’s Britney phase? OK, bad examples) so why can’t an ex-terrorist, axe murderer, or CEO be groomed to fit in with society? No, please don’t answer because it’s just a rhetorical question. We don’t really want an answer, we only want the fame and fortune that will follow us around after we pitch this “extremely” excellent TV reality show concept (drum roll, please): Extremist Makeover!

bin Laden knows exactly who has been naughty: all infidels!

Here’s the pitch:

Tagline: Can washed-up fanatics be washed-up and assimilated into society?

Synopsis: We take take ex-terrorists and ex-cons and attempt to re-introduce them to society by giving them a haircut and a new wardrobe (and yes, a shave, obviously), and teach them life skills other than violence.

For example, the “Unabomber” (remember him? No, well click here)  just needs a good shave and to trade in that hoody for a tweed sports jacket and he could easily slip back into the university system. Television viewers can watch as he is challenged to do everyday tasks and the minute he utters a death threat or sends a mail bomb, he goes back to prison.

Don’t poo-poo this idea. You know someone out there somewhere is going to make it happen, because we’ve hit every demographic. Men want to watch serial killers on TV, and women love to watch bad boys make positive changes in their lives.

So listen to our latest podcast and yuck as David neglects to do his Taliban impression (it usually involves shaking of fists and lots of spitting — the kids love it!) and instead makes the Jihadist sound like a poor imitation of Borat. In his defence, he really was quite drunk.

Brilliant or Stupid? Don't knock it til you've seen Mugabe's new sweater...

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Did you know the FBI offers large rewards for the capture of badasses? No silly, not rapper Chris Brown. We’re talking global terrorists. Don’t believe us? Check out this $25 million bounty on bin Laden’s head (an extra $700 if you don’t get blood on his turban).

Well this is your chance to begin scrutinizing that person sitting next to you. Does he resemble a jihadist bent on destroying the capitalist system? You might not think that the collapse of global trade is such a big deal but you’ll be whistling a different tune when you can’t get those yummy Pocky treats from Japan (not to mention hot Swedish meatballs supermodels).

Here’s an idea to help make someone rich and be a hero (and the target of global jihadists, but hey, you can’t have your cake and protect it from honour killings too). Just “borrow” information from the FBI’s most wanted terrorists website to make our own ‘most wanted’ site with a difference: your new site doesn’t just list the mugshots of toothless bearded ones, you collect and disseminate any tips from the public to the law enforcement agencies. When the rewards are handed out, the owners of the site collect 10% of the bounty or ‘finder’s fee’ if you are too squeamish to use such a macho word. So what are you waiting for? Do your part for world peace by sending in the army!

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So, if the 100 Mile Diet is supposedly better for your health and the environment, doesn’t it stand to reason that the One-Mile Diet is 100 times better than that? Here’s one way to bring your carbon footprint down to nothing, and probably meet some desperate housewives in the process. Three cheers for the environment!

Please follow the rules:
1. Take only what you think you deserve.
2. Napkins do not grow on trees. Try not to eat like a pig.
3. Use the neighbour’s toilet only in an emergency.
4. Clean up after yourself. (This means you, Jack Black!)
5. Do not snoop (unless you have even the slightest reason to suspect they are terrorists (lawn not mowed, kids speak a second language, they don’t have cable) in which case bring a camera and check underwear drawer.
6. Do not be cheap and expect free food all the time. Keep up your end of the bargain and cook for once. It’s not hard, honestly, I mean an omelette takes a minute and you can add mushrooms, peppers, tomatoes… Shit! Do you really need an egg lesson?!?!? I MEAN WHAT DID YOU GROW UP ON? FUCKING CEREAL?! FUCK IT, STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!!!

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While Hollywood continues to pander to bored teens by churning out irritating superhero movies they have abandoned an entire generation of middle-aged men who also need role models.

Forget dazzling CGI effects, forget cutesy romantic sub-plots, and forget that big final explosion to cover up all the plot holes in that meandering thriller, just give us an angry man with a big stick who gives a short, sharp shot to everyone and anyone who annoys us. Three cheers for Stick Man!

Brilliant or Stupid? Answer wrong and you get a beating...

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As we explained in an earlier podcast [Who Wants to Marry a Robot?], the future promises to provide us with robot servants, chauffeurs, nannies and sex slaves. But with all progress comes trouble. One day your robot maid is vacuuming the dog, the next day she has logged on to your bank account and drained your life savings to send back to her family in Japan.

So how do we keep our robots subjugated? Check out the podcast below for some thrilling ideas like marrying them and giving them Valentine’s cards to slightly more sinister ideas like creating killer viruses and brainwashing them with crappy robot TV shows.

Brilliant or Stupid? Computer says stupid...

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Last week this presumably single guy became the world Burrito Eating Champion by downing 33.5 burritos in 10 minutes (there’s a big gob of it hanging off his chin) and ended up having his fat face splattered all over the news outlets (It’s true, even serious news organizations ran this story … What, there no wars this week or something?)

Now, the question is: why didn’t Taco Bell sponsor this competition in order to get all the free publicity? Which brings us to our money making scheme: make a career out of having corporations sponsor your disgusting food fetish!

PLAN A: Make a career out of stuffing yourself with disgusting fast food.

Offer your services to various companies and then break the world record for ‘eating’ the most of their products. For example, get McDonald’s to pay you to eat 30 Big Macs in 10 minutes (or whatever the world record is). The companies get free publicity, while you get the cash after your released from hospital and are enjoying your new colostomy bag.

PLAN B: Become the Don King of Extreme Eating by compiling a team of fat pigs to do the dirty work for you.

Advertise on Craigslist for people who would like to get famous with Plan A (above) but couldn’t be bothered to actually do the work in order to get the sponsorships  themselves. In your role as Don King you make the phone calls, hook up various corporations with a member of your FatSquad, and skim a bit from the profits when the cheques come in.

Brilliant or Stupid? Fat chance this will work...

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Here’s an idea for a new sitcom based on a recently-enacted British law which decrees that a man who has many wives can receive welfare payments for up to 4 wives as long as they were married in a country where polygamy is legal.

So, our main character — a straight, lazy man (yes, they do exist) thinks he has discovered a loophole to working — takes a trip to Dubai and marries four different women and brings them back to London.

The twist is that the women are not all Muslims; one is, but the other three are from various different ethnic and political backgrounds. Perhaps a white Buddhist, a Chinese Jew, a black atheist (or whatever the network executives want).

So as if it isn’t difficult enough to be married to 4 women, our straight man is surrounded by four women from different faiths, races and of varying levels of women’s liberation.

The beauty of this premise is that the show can make fun of every political, religious and gender-specific debate and not get in trouble because it hits all targets in every episode. Either that or the show gets in trouble every week and the network cashes in on the controversy. It’s a win-win situation (Win-win is the Chinese Jew).

Possible titles for this sitcom could be:

My Great Big Greek Muslim Jew Italian Chinese Wedding

4 Weddings and a Welfare Cheque

Married to a Mob

The Harem Globetrotters

Brilliant or Stupid? Let us know...

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A group of innocent individuals agree to be put in jail. Each week one gets voted out by viewers. The “prisoners” would be given tasks such as “climb the wall” and “survive the riot”. Real prisoners could also be drafted in to create entertaining conflicts and desperate D-list celebrities would do it for cheap. This idea is gold!

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When you were a kid did you ever play a version of the game in which your friend tried to trick you into doing disgusting things for very little money? Here’s a typical exchange:

Evil Friend: Would you eat a cup of your own snot for $1 Million dollars?

You: Oh yeah! I’d do anything for a million!

Evil Friend: How about $50,000?

You: Umm, I guess so.

Evil Friend: $5,000?

You: Hmmm…

And so on until you were actually forced to decide if eating a bowl of snot was really worth twelve bucks.

Which brings us to our new reality show:

HOW LOW WILL YOU GO?

In this game, 5 contestants are pitted against each other to do outrageous acts on television for the lowest amount of money possible. So, whoever is willing to do the vile act for the least amount of money gets a chance to win that sum, while the viewing audience at home gets to see desperate folks do disgusting crap on TV. Can you say ratings winner?

Now, who has Mark Burnett’s phone number?

Your mother gave you a Snoopy picture frame for Christmas even though you are 42 years old.

Your brother thinks that sweater he bought in the clearance bin was a perfect birthday gift but you are nowhere near xxx-large.

And what about that travel toiletry kit featuring a vile of cheap after-shave that your uncle bought for you at the last minute from the airplane’s duty free magazine?

These are not just crappy gifts — they’re “unrealised assets”. So do yourself a favour and sell them online!

Do you lie awake at night wondering if your ex has it in for you? Do you look over your shoulder because you fear the kid you sold fake stereo speakers to is coming after you? Then you’re in luck with Revenge.com: a website idea designed so individuals can log on to see if anyone is planning to take get back at them.

This website could be funded by ads (hello: divorce lawyers!) and has simple options such as:

-Click here to see if some one has it in for you.

-Apply to have mediator resolve your dispute.

-If all else fails, click this option for tips on how to go into hiding.

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