Brilliant or Stupid?

Granted we might have been under the influence when we brainstormed this nugget of an idea, but now we have proof that trading your blood for a pint is officially a brilliant idea: A US city is encouraging the public to donate blood in exchange for beer. We are not taking full credit for it (yet), but if anything it proves the old saying: there is no such thing as a bad idea. Cheers to us then!

See our original post from taken from a 2008 podcast below:

You probably think that blood is icky and useless. But did you know that if you replaced your blood with something much more exciting (like Root Beer) you would probably die within 12 years? Shocking but true!

But even though you have more than enough blood there are people in hospitals too stupid to make enough for themselves. That’s why you always hear people asking you to give blood.

But who wants to go all the way to the Blood Donor clinic to pick up hepatitis from a dirty needle! That’s why we’ve come up with a cunning new plan: pay people for their blood when they are the happiest — at the neighbourhood pub!

Brilliant or Stupid? We probably didn't think this through...

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Private Edmonds stands by his decision to criticise his commanding officer

The US military has begun testing a suit of full-body armour made out of bibles. “You know how Hollywood movies always have a scene where a soldier’s life is saved because he kept a bible in his pocket in the exact spot where he was shot? We normally don’t take our cue from Hollywood films on this, except for maybe this and when we trained dolphins to attack foreign whales, but we figured we have a big budget and need to spend it all on something so we’ll try it out.”

The bibles were baptized before testing began to cleanse them of any evil, then stitched on to the uniform of specially-trained soldiers. ”We hear the Taliban are creating a suit of armour made out of the Koran. Well, we’ll see which army God loves most,” said the general.

Brilliant or Stupid? We smell the beginnings of a fatwa...

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By General Daniel Velasquez, editor-in-chief
There won’t be much cheer for dictators this holiday season. 2009 has not been a good year for us, what with all the peace deals and UN busybodies snooping about. And don’t get me started on the recent war crimes trial of comrade Radovan Karadzik. For shame! The thought that such a powerful man(iac) could be treated with such disrespect makes me want to invade something.

Sadly, I can’t do that however, because I am still a dictator-without-a-country. This is now my second year in exile after those bastards in the military overthrew me. Luckily I escaped on my private jet before they could string me up, but I have no regrets. I have to admit I still get teary-eyed thinking back to that fateful morning when I sat on my veranda, sipping my morning coffee while watching the troops storm the gates, take out my personal body guards, and commandeer my Rolls-Royce and PlayStation. It just shows I trained them well. They overthrew the capital with such precision and professionalism that I can hold my head up high and say ‘Yes, those boys who are now my enemies did their jobs well.’ Oh well, can’t complain. I have my stash of riches and mistresses and will one day return to power. The plot continues, as we like to joke!

I’m not a religious man but Christmas is always a happy time for me. How can it not be when as dictator all my underlings were under strict orders to give me presents and praise. One year, a minister in my government gave me his wife. Seriously! Oh, how we laughed. Maybe I shouldn’t have had him shot. He was my brother after all. But hey, one of the hallmarks of being a ruler is our unpredictability.

But 2009 wasn’t all bad. I had some Hollywood producers contact me for the rights to my life story. Seems that the Che Guevara gravy train has run dry and they’re looking for the next charismatic revolutionary to put on a t-shirt. They weren’t phased at all when I told them that I used to adopt African babies so that my real kids would learn some gratitude and quit crying about the beatings. Said it would make a great celluloid moment a la “Mommie Dearest.”

BREAKING NEWS:

US shuts down Radio-Free North Korea!

Radio Free North Korea has been shut down by imperialist American dogs, says a source inside the studio. “Some reports say we were shut down because of power cuts.,” he said. “Wrong! That is American propaganda!!! Is very simple, our host ate the microphone. It is not his fault. In his delirious state he thought it was ice cream cone. It will take 6 weeks before we can get a new one … I know, I know. Japan is so close, couldn’t be just send over a squad of special forces and steal one from a store? If I had a penny for every time I heard that … It’s not so simple. We need a boat for starters.”

FEATURES:

What’s inside your European Carry-all?

Profile: Iranian general Hassim Asgharivan never goes far without his sunscreen and lotion.
“I use Pantene Lavish Looks to keep the dry desert air from clogging my pours. When I hit the beach, I always put on Junior Sun Block lotion because I love to lay back and enjoy the weather, the barbecues, the feeling of sand between my toes and watching my beautiful young daughter frolic in the ocean … I killed her hamster so I kind of owe her a ‘fun’ day.”

SHOUT-OUTS:

Congrats to Bobby M. for hitting the number one spot in 2009’s Best Dictator category, proving once again that just because you lose an election and are forced to share power with your enemies in a ‘national unity’ government is no reason to stop trying to be the best you can be! We asked what was in store for 2010 and he was coy as usual, saying only that the money will continue to flow for whoever supports him (nudge nudge, wink wink). Way to go, Bobby!

And how about my old bowling partner Omar Al-Bashir for moving up to number 2 spot. ‘The Bash’  as we like to call him (don’t EVER call him ‘Omo’ or he will give you a one-way ticket to Darfur) is the glorious leader of Sudan, who has smartly used an arrest warrant from the International Criminal Court to spin his way up  the rankings. The ICC. Bah! Should be called the IC-not!

CLASSIFIEDS:

HUGE SALE! Limited time only get previously enjoyed headless-Lenin statues. Just plop your own head on top and you’ve got an instant statue in your honour! Great for plazas, Buy from me, Crazy Ivan  – I won’t be undersold!!!

M4W, handsome death squad leader seeks female for good times, invasions of beaches, must like bunkers. Serious enquiries only please. Sorry, can’t meet in public.

For sale, 12 tanks. Good condition, need tracts, paint job (No manual but big red button is self-explanatory). Any reasonable offer considered as these tanks have terrible karma.

123passports. Buy 10 and get a free working visa for Albania! (will also work in Alabama)

Mercenaries Wanted: Just make your way to Afghanistan and join the first American or Taliban training camp you find. Guaranteed employment until death.

SPECIAL OFFER FOR MEMBERS ONLY:

Grab this limited edition 24′ x 10′ mural for your war room now! Call for members only price.

Click here to keep up with this new great blog.

Iceland, known to be one of the healthiest nations on the planet , is bemoaning celebrating the fact that McDonald’s is pulling out of the country. All three McDonald’s on the island nation of 300,000 skinny dippers recently shut.

Iceland, one of the world’s wealthiest nations until the collapse of its banking sector last year, will join Albania, Armenia and Bosnia and Herzegovina in a small band of European countries that are both difficult to spot on a map and are without a McDonald’s.

Several other countries are now asking Iceland for help in ridding their country of McDonald’s as well.

This wonderful news heralds a glorious new McDonald’s-free age for the country of Iceland, and got us thinking if the global economic collapse might not be such a bad thing. Check out our vision of a brave new world in the podcast below.

Brilliant or Stupid? Any excuse to fire Ronald McDonald is good enough for us...

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A man who once complained of too many toppings on pizzas has turned his attention to the interland. Jeremy Fullstop says today’s websites have too many hyperlinks to other websites and web pages that it is now physically impossible to navigate around a page without inadvertently clicking on a link and having the browser sent elsewhere.

“They’re so desperate to climb up Google’s rankings that they’ll link to anything, anywhere,” he said, while exercising his fingers. “Look, if I want  to go back to the top of this page, where do I click? How? See, if I go here — oh, there we go again. Great, now I’ve gone to another miracle cure diet site!”

Mystic healer Shu Away-Foo agreed: “The Chinese have ancient saying about this. There may be one loaf of bread, but 24 slices in that loaf. How can you pick the right slice? You can’t. It’s impossible.”

Brilliant or Stupid? Click here...

As we explained in an earlier podcast [Who Wants to Marry a Robot?], the future promises to provide us with robot servants, chauffeurs, nannies and sex slaves. But with all progress comes trouble. One day your robot maid is vacuuming the dog, the next day she has logged on to your bank account and drained your life savings to send back to her family in Japan.

So how do we keep our robots subjugated? Check out the podcast below for some thrilling ideas like marrying them and giving them Valentine’s cards to slightly more sinister ideas like creating killer viruses and brainwashing them with crappy robot TV shows.

Brilliant or Stupid? Computer says stupid...

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Television network NBC has announced that a “Friends” spin-off show about the cast’s “imaginary friends” has been cancelled after the pilot episode screened poorly.

“As you might expect imaginary friends are hard to film because they are invisible. In the end, the entire pilot episode was basically the cafe or the apartment, some furniture and a fern and nothing happened. It wasn’t very entertaining,” said one insider.

The Actor’s Guild applauded the cancellation as they were planning to strike if imaginary actors threatened the jobs of union members. “Our industry already suffers from recycled jokes, fake ‘reality’ dramas and unrealistic plot twists …  imaginary characters are simply crossing the line,” said a union boss.

This month BS.com follows the journey of “Sunshine” (aka Tiffany) Palmer, a
21-year-old English major on her six-month trip to Guatemala, courtesy of daddy’s
credit card, where she is living out her dream of casting aside western commercialism
to “empower the earnest indigenous people”.
Read more…

1. Everywhere
2. Dog’s Butt
3. MRI
4. Shower Curtain
5. X-Ray
6. Pringle
7. Pint Glass
8. Fishstick
9. Side of Wall
10. Frying Pan

CLICK HERE FOR THE TOP 10 JESUS SIGHTINGS…

Ned’s a moron. His only stable job was as a box crusher. “Stomping is one thing I good at,” he tells us. Which is why we should pity his daughter Ella, who lives in a tent with him. At night, the wild dogs harass them and steal their eggs. CRUD is an organization dedicated to helping Useless Dads become better parents, get a job or at least get them to stop yelling at postmen. Click here for the sad story.

Mothers Against Drunk Websites has launched a new campaign warning about the dangers of websites turning to drugs and alcohol.

Signs your son or daughter is looking at drunk websites:
The site’s words are slurred.
The instant messenger keeps challenging them to a fight.
A pop-up ad flashes the word “redrum”.
The website frequently goes all blurry, wobbles and then passes out.
The website thinks your mom is hot.
The answers in the FAQ section are all “What’s it to ya?”
Click here to see a horrific example of what happens when websites turn to drugs and alcohol.

The folks over at Celebrity Finger have started compiling a database of celebrities giving the finger to the paparazzi. Check out your favourite stars making love to the camera and if you find a photo they don’t have yet, send it over to BrilliantOrStupid@gmail.com and we’ll make sure to pass it along.