Brilliant or Stupid?

Smokers. Love them or simply be annoyed by them, they’ll probably be around forever whether we like it or not. Kinda like Republicans. But what to do with them? Name and shame them? Parade them through streets before putting them on show trials? Or douse them with gasoline and watch them ignite the next time they try to light up? (Kids, don’t try that at home… make sure you’re outside.)

Better yet, why not take after the tobacco companies and just make money off them?

Now that smoking bans are spreading across the globe we came up with just the idea: Turn abandoned old photo booths into smoking booths. The concept is simple and yet clever. We take photo booths that people do not use anymore and let smokers puff away inside them while charging them money for the privilege. Granted this idea has probably been done in cool places like Japan — where they ingeniously got around smoking regulations by creating a smoking lounge — but across the Pacific these ideas have yet to arrive.

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People are suckers for the latest exercise craze (yesterday it was the yoga ball, today it’s the ab chair — what’s next, the yoga twig?!) Yet everyone is cashing in on it except us.

By next week some city out there is going to yank out all the seats in a bus and replace them with yoga matts. “Why sit there doing nothing, when you can exercise your way to work/school/bank machine,” they’ll say, while jacking up the price of a bus fare. Regular bus, $2.75. Yoga Bus $22.95.

Well, we’re not one for being left behind trends (we got rid of our acid wash jeans way before anyone else did!) BrilliantOrStupid.com is proud to present the Fat-loss Spatula. This state-of-the-art ergonomically designed kitchen tool, specially engineered by people wearing white suits and talking formally, has been ‘proven’ to help you lose weight.

It’s also good for colonic irrigations too! Only $54.99 plus taxes, shipping and other fees. Buy one today! Buy two and we promise not to display any more pictures of fat men (we’ve got two on this site and we’d prefer to look at beautiful women, so obviously we’ve got to rein in the editorial operations of this site.) Wait, is it rein or reign?  I can’t remember. Just like defence and defense, you see it correctly one day, but the next you’re second guessing the spell check program written by people who have poor communication skills. I’ve lost 4,000 calories typing up rants for this site…

Editor’s Note: hey, fat men are our best customers, can you retract that statement?

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Did you know the FBI offers large rewards for the capture of badasses? No silly, not rapper Chris Brown. We’re talking global terrorists. Don’t believe us? Check out this $25 million bounty on bin Laden’s head (an extra $700 if you don’t get blood on his turban).

Well this is your chance to begin scrutinizing that person sitting next to you. Does he resemble a jihadist bent on destroying the capitalist system? You might not think that the collapse of global trade is such a big deal but you’ll be whistling a different tune when you can’t get those yummy Pocky treats from Japan (not to mention hot Swedish meatballs supermodels).

Here’s an idea to help make someone rich and be a hero (and the target of global jihadists, but hey, you can’t have your cake and protect it from honour killings too). Just “borrow” information from the FBI’s most wanted terrorists website to make our own ‘most wanted’ site with a difference: your new site doesn’t just list the mugshots of toothless bearded ones, you collect and disseminate any tips from the public to the law enforcement agencies. When the rewards are handed out, the owners of the site collect 10% of the bounty or ‘finder’s fee’ if you are too squeamish to use such a macho word. So what are you waiting for? Do your part for world peace by sending in the army!

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In the spirit of corporate bail-outs, Worldwide Global Mega Media Co-Corp., the owners of BrilliantorStupid.com, have been forced to seek public funding from any government and any individual due to no sales and incredibly huge gambling debts. As such, WGMM has decided to appeal to the public to provide one penny per person on the planet and any starships with the goal of saving our hides. Think about it: by giving us one penny each our accountants will promise not to flee to Costa Rica.

Please, for the love of God, give us a penny. It’s the least you could do (obviously because anything less than a penny is like totally not even worth it and probably on par with Zimbabwean currency).

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Last week this presumably single guy became the world Burrito Eating Champion by downing 33.5 burritos in 10 minutes (there’s a big gob of it hanging off his chin) and ended up having his fat face splattered all over the news outlets (It’s true, even serious news organizations ran this story … What, there no wars this week or something?)

Now, the question is: why didn’t Taco Bell sponsor this competition in order to get all the free publicity? Which brings us to our money making scheme: make a career out of having corporations sponsor your disgusting food fetish!

PLAN A: Make a career out of stuffing yourself with disgusting fast food.

Offer your services to various companies and then break the world record for ‘eating’ the most of their products. For example, get McDonald’s to pay you to eat 30 Big Macs in 10 minutes (or whatever the world record is). The companies get free publicity, while you get the cash after your released from hospital and are enjoying your new colostomy bag.

PLAN B: Become the Don King of Extreme Eating by compiling a team of fat pigs to do the dirty work for you.

Advertise on Craigslist for people who would like to get famous with Plan A (above) but couldn’t be bothered to actually do the work in order to get the sponsorships  themselves. In your role as Don King you make the phone calls, hook up various corporations with a member of your FatSquad, and skim a bit from the profits when the cheques come in.

Brilliant or Stupid? Fat chance this will work...

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Celebrity Finger is looking for more pics of the rich and famous making love to the camera and is offering $250 dollars [Ed's note: that's Jamaican dollars] for up-and-coming members of the paparazzi.

So grab your camera and start stalking, kids! [To all junior editors: if you have to update this story in the future make sure you keep that comma between stalking and kids.]

For less info than we just give you click here.