Before the invention of speed dialing there were fewer people. As such, the phone numbers used to contain fewer digits and people used to say odd phrases such as “Operator get me Klondike 4327″. Life was simpler, happier dumber, boringer back then.

But then along the way, people discovered sex for fun and the population exploded. While we were porking, phone numbers kept getting longer and longer, yet oddly, our patience has receded.

It’s no wonder people use speed dial and contacts lists — we can’t even remember our PIN numbers let alone an entire phone number. Time to go back to basics and solve the problem at its roots: the world needs more numbers. It’s time to create a new one. Or not. Whatever, we’re not counting this anyway.

"I wasted how many years in University?"

Brilliant or Stupid?
On a scale from 1 to 3, this is a zero...

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The year: 2006. The time: 8:15pm. The alcohol consumed: beer. The munchies consumed: heavily salted peanuts. The result: one of the best podcasts since the dawn of time!

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Round One: Taliban vs. Sand People vs / Incredible Hulk vs. Oscar the Grouch

In this division judges awarded unanimous decisions for the Taliban over the Sand People (seems one loud scream was enough to scare the Sand People away) and a KO for the Incredible Hulk who responded with predictable rage to Oscar’s incessant complaining about Hulk’s hairdo.

Betty vs. Veronica / Barney the Dinosaur vs. the Teletubbies

An easy victory for the Teletubbies who quickly surrounded and brought down Barney when he went in for a pre-fight hug. Betty looked to be heading for a scratch-filled victory before Veronica’s bodyguards put a quick end to Betty’s fighting career.

Round One: Stalin's Moustache vs. Hitler's Moustache / Cap'n Crunch vs. the Trix Bunny

The judges gave this round to Stalin’s moustache on sheer volume alone after disqualifying Hitler’s moustache for being far too dainty for a deadly warrior. Meanwhile, a drunk Cap’n Crunch took a narrow victory over a hopped-up-on-sugar Trix bunny thanks to the Cap’n’s inability to feel pain.

Round Two: Veronica vs. Cap'n Crunch vs. Teletubbies

This battle ended quickly after the Cap’n tried to rape and pillage Veronica which sparked an gang war between the Crunch’s pirates and Veronica’s henchmen, leaving the Teletubby alone to clean up the bloody mess and take this round’s championship title.

Round Two: Stalin's Moustache vs. the Incredible Hulk vs. the Taliban

Another win by TKO after Stalin’s moustache recruited the Taliban warrior to take out the Hulk and then stabbing him in the back during the Jihadist’s victory dance.

THE FINAL ROUND: Stalin's Moustache vs. The Teletubbies

As you can hear if you listen the blow-by-blow account in the podcast below, the judges were unable to call a winner in the Ultimate Battle. We need you help to decide who is the Deadliest Warrior: Stalin’s moustache or Teletubbies.

versus  

Send us your votes and thoughts to brilliantorstupid@gmail.com.

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Due to technical problems this year’s holiday message from our current publisher was wiped from the hard-drive and seeing as he is off to Bermuda for his annual knees-up, we have had to re-use the only one we still have on file — a holiday message from 1987.

Mr Bellamy says the Sony Walkman cassette player will be the big thing this Christmas

Dear Loyal Readers,

Another year is about to pass us and we are reminded of certain key events this past year that should serve us to pause and reflect:

First, in February the Tower Commission probing the Iran-Contra affair rebuked President Reagan. We look forward to hearing his views on this during an upcoming televised address.

On a more pleasant note, In March the Irish rock and roll group U2 released their best-selling album “The Joshua Tree’ and although enjoyable one can predict that this group has finally peaked and will now surely make a quick exit into retirement. They are definitely not spring chickens anymore!

Only a month later, the Fox television network showed just how desperate they are to attract ratings when they aired a cartoon called The Simpsons on the Tracy Ullmann Show. Not to fear Tracy, I’m certain your show will last for years to come and the crude Simpsons will very quickly be forgotten.

And who could forget that in May the  USS Stark was hit by two Iraqi owned Exocet AM39 air-to-surface missiles killing 37 sailors. This incident reminds us of the need to be tough with rogue regimes but one thing is absolutely 100% certain — invading Iraq is not the right answer. Thankfully, our leaders know better than to be drawn into that snake pit of endless tribal warfare.

Not much else happened in the summer, allowing people throughout the world to breed and boost the population to a whopping five billion people! Can you imagine?!

Our unpaid interns Andreas and David predict hair will be much bigger in 1988

In October, a time for ghouls and goblins, brought us ‘Black Monday’, October 19 to be precise, when the world’s financial markets crashed. The crash began in Hong Kong, which is ruled by the UK government, and then spread westward to Europe and then the US. Then it bounced back, just like in ping pong. Thankfully, Malta was spared.

Finally, whilst enjoying a glass of vintage port or two I found myself humming along to “The Loco-Motion”. The message in that little ditty is clear: All aboard and keep on moving forward!

Here’s to a wonderful and prosperous 1988! Cheers!

Yours,

Howard R Bellamy, Publisher

(Editor’s note: Mr Bellamy died in the spring of 1988)

The UK Ministry of Defence has closed its department that investigated UFO sightings, claiming that investigating UFO sightings can no longer be justified in these difficult economic times. So there you have it. There are no UFOs so you can put away those Spock ears for good.

See our original post for September 2 below:

UFO’s do not exist and never have, the US military declared today, shattering the daydreams of millions of middle class individuals with too much time on their hands.

“Look, I”m sorry to burst everyone’s enthusiasm and I know Hollywood film studios will attack me for saying this because then they can’t make anymore sci-fi movies, but UFOs have never existed,” said the US military’s top general in charge of Operation Look Up. “Everyone wants to believe in cute ET-like aliens and hope that there is more to life than just us slobs, but we can’t find any. We’re stuck with ourselves. And is that so bad? Rather than waste your time on things that do not exist, why not go talk to your neighbour, go for a nice walk or read a book that doesn’t have anything to do with outer space once in a while.”

Readers of internet blogs and fanzines were shocked by the news and many started crying upon hearing it. ”He’s a monster! We need to believe in something. Leave our Alfs and Klingons alone!” said one UFO enthusiast, who regularly sleeps on the roof of his house and prays nightly to be taken aboard the mothership and prodded lovingly.

When Americans get too old to be cold they move to Florida and Hawaii. When Canadians get too old to be cold they are put on sheets of ice and sent to Baffin Island. It just doesn’t seem fair. So we suggest a partnership with a small poverty-stricken nation that happens to be blessed with miles of sun-soaked beaches.

We made some calls but even the most desperate of them hung up when they heard we were from Canada. Except one: Haiti. Listen to the podcast below for all the exciting opportunities of this mutually-beneficial-partnership. Canadians get to escape the frozen tundra without any bureaucratic nightmares to ruin their retirements and Haitians are welcome to fill out the under-populated towns of Northern Saskatchewan. Bring the whole family,  there’s lots of room. Besides,  our nation is experiencing a severe shortage of witch doctors.

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We delve into a complex issue and speak as fast as we can because we know you are too busy to waste time with any podcast longer than 3 minutes. That’s why this podcast will be a speedy 6 seconds (or thereabouts … whatever, we weren’t timing it). So on your marks, get set … go!

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People go through all kinds of transformations (remember Britney’s  Kojak phase? How about Kojak’s Britney phase? OK, bad examples) so why can’t an ex-terrorist, axe murderer, or CEO be groomed to fit in with society? No, please don’t answer because it’s just a rhetorical question. We don’t really want an answer, we only want the fame and fortune that will follow us around after we pitch this “extremely” excellent TV reality show concept (drum roll, please): Extremist Makeover!

bin Laden knows exactly who has been naughty: all infidels!

Here’s the pitch:

Tagline: Can washed-up fanatics be washed-up and assimilated into society?

Synopsis: We take take ex-terrorists and ex-cons and attempt to re-introduce them to society by giving them a haircut and a new wardrobe (and yes, a shave, obviously), and teach them life skills other than violence.

For example, the “Unabomber” (remember him? No, well click here)  just needs a good shave and to trade in that hoody for a tweed sports jacket and he could easily slip back into the university system. Television viewers can watch as he is challenged to do everyday tasks and the minute he utters a death threat or sends a mail bomb, he goes back to prison.

Don’t poo-poo this idea. You know someone out there somewhere is going to make it happen, because we’ve hit every demographic. Men want to watch serial killers on TV, and women love to watch bad boys make positive changes in their lives.

So listen to our latest podcast and yuck as David neglects to do his Taliban impression (it usually involves shaking of fists and lots of spitting — the kids love it!) and instead makes the Jihadist sound like a poor imitation of Borat. In his defence, he really was quite drunk.

Brilliant or Stupid? Don't knock it til you've seen Mugabe's new sweater...

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This cafe is open late to assist those patrons who are still reading all the menus

The World Coffee Council has warned people have too many choices for hot caffeinated beverages.

“Our menu boards are at capacity,” said a board member. “We need more funding from governments  to build larger menu boards or we will have to cut certain drinks.”

“Innovation is vital to us,” said one barrista stroking his goatee. “Only 20 years ago consumers had two choices: regular and decaf. Now we have new ones being invented all the time by Starbucks headquarters and they all cost more too.”

“We are opening a second location next door just to house the menu,” he added in between passing out flyers for his band’s latest gig. “You’ll go next door, figure out what you want to order, then come in and order. Also, we are implementing a new express line for drinks with 9 adjectives or less. We are currently doing market research on whether hyphenated coffee-adjectives (we call them “cafectives”) will count as one or two in the express lane. So, does a tall wet double extra-hot latte in a grande cup squeeze in to the express line or not? I can’t answer that. Seriously,  I can’t — it says so in my employee manual.”

Meanwhile, a global consortium of tea barons have called for limits on fancy coffee drinks’ names with a proposed “cap and trade” system whereby each consumer is allowed to order a drink with up to 5 words for the regular price but will have to give to poorer nations without Starbucks for extra options such as syrups and whip cream.

A four-millimetre tall man who is often mistaken for a “bacon bit” has finally got the last laugh by getting inside people’s mouths on his own terms — as a dentist.

After drifting from job to job (once as an ant impersonator,  later as a clothes peg) Tom DeLisle, 28, has found employment after passing dentist school.

“Those jerks at Cirque du Soleil can shove their minimum wage up their freakishly flexible asses … I’m a doctor now!” he kept repeating during the surgery.

The heavily sedated patient was unable to comment due to excruciating pain, but has vowed to floss more often.

A novel written by a record 47,000 different authors has finally been completed and published. Each author submitted random samples to the project, consisting of everything from one word, a sentence, a hyphen, to even entire sentences. The editors of BrilliantOrStupid.com are proud to be represented on page 789 with the phrase “even the mightiest warrior has to stop to take a dump every now and then and then pay penance for ruining thy petunias.”

The project took three days to complete and was spearheaded by archivist James Dustybins. “All I do all day long is file and catalogue things. Then one day I giggled at the idea of collecting one piece made from different people. I posted a request on the internet and the submissions came flooding in by e-mail — even from people who don’t speak English or could barely read. The book, entitled “The Art of Twilight’s Herbal Viagra Special Luxury Watches Porn Deals” goes on sale Tuesday.

Mr Dustybins said the plot is a finely woven intricate story of love and hope between a Hobbit and a vampire, it’s an emotional journey as well as a satire and political thriller/horror set aboard a space ship commanded by zombie mutants and being chased by hunky cowboys with commitment issues.

Mr Snitt in happier times

Brilliantorstupid.com, a division of Worldwide Global Mega Media Co-Corporation, is proud to announce the appointment of Herbert J Snitt, aged 74, as technology correspondent. In keeping with the tradition of appointing correspondents to cover a field that they have little knowledge about, Mr Snitt knows nothing about technology, but comes highly recommended after serving two terms as the tech adviser to the government of Nova Scotia. He first learned about computers while at the public library last Thursday when his six-year-old grand-daughter helped him search for a book on the proper way to iron your pyjamas.

“My first day at work this punk kid assignment editor asked me if I’m on twitter so I decked him. He smells like a girl anyway, so who’s the twitter now?” Mr Snitt said. “My first column will be about how them laptops look like a kitchen cutting board. How can you trust a computer that’s smaller than a Buick?

“If you like that one, I got plenty more ideas like how to save 3 cents on toothpaste, how to guilt-trip your kids into mowing your lawn, and how to smell like a senior so you can get discounts at them movie halls. Young people are all criminals, taxes are too high and so on.”

“I’ll mail them to you when I’m finished typing ‘em up in about six to eight weeks. I’m sure I’ve got some stamps around here somewhere … wait, just give me a minute … I’ll find them, oh look, there’s that button I lost. Damn, doesn’t fit anymore … do I smell ham and cheese? Mmmm lunch time. Wake me after my nap.”

After writing his first column Mr Snitt plans to sail around the world in his bathtub.

Manoi GO, a break-dancing robot from Japan was disqualified from the television show ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ after judges questioned his gender. “We weren’t even sure if Manoi is a girl’s or boy’s name, which is typical of foreigners. After inspecting Manoi GO’s … umm … equipment (I thank you), it was ruled that the robot should be removed from the program,” said the head of the committee who has 20-20 vision.

Manoi GO’s inventor shrugged off the news as he already has plans to begin a TV show called “So You’ve Been Programmed to Dance” which will be similar to Robot Wars but without all the macho posturing.

If that doesn’t work, Manoi GO’s inventor will turn his robots into vibrators. “That should appease the inspectors,” he figures. Click here to buy your breakdancing vibrator.

After being reminded that he was elected to get America out of its wars, US President Barack Obama unveiled a new long-term plan for Afghanistan which involves dumbing-down the next generation of Jihadists with video games.

“Thanks to video games American kids have gotten fat, lazy and incoherent over the past 30 years. We owe the children of Afghanistan the same opportunity, ” the President told Congress. “We will begin our plan with 30,000 copies of Pong air-dropped into the caves of Afghanistan which already have television. Then, over the next few decades, we will upgrade their video systems until eventually all future terrorists will waste all their energy killing innocent bystanders in Grand Theft Auto.”

The Sheikh loves the costumery of the movie The Mouse That Roared

Dubai’s ruler, Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum, says he has found a way out of the emirate’s debt problems — by declaring war on the US.

“If the US invades us, then the old saying ‘You break it, you bought it’ comes into play and US could ‘liberate’ us and then be on the hook for our debts,” he said.

The Sheikh said he got the idea after watching a the 1959 movie The Mouse that Roared, in which a gang of men from the fictitious country The Duchy of Grand Fenwick invade the US in order to help them with their economic woes. (An idea previously stolen and used with mixed results by Saddam Hussein in Gulf War, part 1.)

The Shiekh said he gets most of his best ideas from movies, which explains why he recently held a state banquet for the Muppets and had planned to open his own Jurassic Park before the debt crisis hit.

Reports from within Dubai claim the Shiekh’s secret service have forbid him to from watching 2012 before he gets any big ideas on destroying the planet.

After selling a bag if cheezies to a drunk just past midnight last night Rodriguez Dhaliwal’s world suddenly crumbled around him. “I was just counting out some change to this guy, and it hit me like a bolt of lighting. Money is just paper. This stuff is just paper with numbers on it! All these years I’ve been giving people pop and chips and in exchange all I’ve been getting back is this useless paper. I can’t eat it, can’t drink it. All it’s really good for is wiping my ass. What a huge and massive con I’ve fallen for.”

A phone call to the US president’s economic advisor confirmed the unusual discover.

“It’s true,” said an assistant to the secretary of the economic advisor’s secretary’s assistant. “It used to be worth something more but not lately. We were hoping that nobody would notice.”

A Wisconsin man has embarked on a barefoot pilgrimage to Hollywood to demand that Roland Emmerich make a disaster film based on Y2K.

“What’s 2012 got that Y2K doesn’t have? I’d rather put my faith in faulty computers than some dusty old Mayans any day, ” he bragged to the girl behind the counter at Krispy Kreme. “I’m convinced that with a massive marketing campaign there’s is still a good chance that Y2K will wipe out the world.”

He added: “When Y2K comes around again, I’ll be ready (Editor’s note: That’s enough of this story)

So, if the 100 Mile Diet is supposedly better for your health and the environment, doesn’t it stand to reason that the One-Mile Diet is 100 times better than that? Here’s one way to bring your carbon footprint down to nothing, and probably meet some desperate housewives in the process. Three cheers for the environment!

Please follow the rules:
1. Take only what you think you deserve.
2. Napkins do not grow on trees. Try not to eat like a pig.
3. Use the neighbour’s toilet only in an emergency.
4. Clean up after yourself. (This means you, Jack Black!)
5. Do not snoop (unless you have even the slightest reason to suspect they are terrorists (lawn not mowed, kids speak a second language, they don’t have cable) in which case bring a camera and check underwear drawer.
6. Do not be cheap and expect free food all the time. Keep up your end of the bargain and cook for once. It’s not hard, honestly, I mean an omelette takes a minute and you can add mushrooms, peppers, tomatoes… Shit! Do you really need an egg lesson?!?!? I MEAN WHAT DID YOU GROW UP ON? FUCKING CEREAL?! FUCK IT, STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!!!

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Separated at birth or feuding cousins?

After a midnight screening of King Kong vs. Godzilla a few nights ago George Lucas confessed to friends over dinner his servants that Star Wars VII will chronicle the epic battle between Sand People and the Taliban as mentioned in a Star Wars fanfic written by a 46-year-old  Boba Fett impersonator and cabaret singer.

Thanks to new technology yet to be invented the film will be shot entirely inside Lucas’ brain after which he will vomit out the digital stream of information directly into the intertubes, where eager fans will be allowed to download the entire film for free in exchange for their credit card numbers.

Private Edmonds stands by his decision to criticise his commanding officer

The US military has begun testing a suit of full-body armour made out of bibles. “You know how Hollywood movies always have a scene where a soldier’s life is saved because he kept a bible in his pocket in the exact spot where he was shot? We normally don’t take our cue from Hollywood films on this, except for maybe this and when we trained dolphins to attack foreign whales, but we figured we have a big budget and need to spend it all on something so we’ll try it out.”

The bibles were baptized before testing began to cleanse them of any evil, then stitched on to the uniform of specially-trained soldiers. ”We hear the Taliban are creating a suit of armour made out of the Koran. Well, we’ll see which army God loves most,” said the general.

Brilliant or Stupid? We smell the beginnings of a fatwa...

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Lest we forget: on November 25, 1999, the member of parliament responsible for soil thawing in lower Nunavut responded to a reporter’s question about bushes with the timeless quote: “This report is cause for some limited concern.”

By General Daniel Velasquez, editor-in-chief
There won’t be much cheer for dictators this holiday season. 2009 has not been a good year for us, what with all the peace deals and UN busybodies snooping about. And don’t get me started on the recent war crimes trial of comrade Radovan Karadzik. For shame! The thought that such a powerful man(iac) could be treated with such disrespect makes me want to invade something.

Sadly, I can’t do that however, because I am still a dictator-without-a-country. This is now my second year in exile after those bastards in the military overthrew me. Luckily I escaped on my private jet before they could string me up, but I have no regrets. I have to admit I still get teary-eyed thinking back to that fateful morning when I sat on my veranda, sipping my morning coffee while watching the troops storm the gates, take out my personal body guards, and commandeer my Rolls-Royce and PlayStation. It just shows I trained them well. They overthrew the capital with such precision and professionalism that I can hold my head up high and say ‘Yes, those boys who are now my enemies did their jobs well.’ Oh well, can’t complain. I have my stash of riches and mistresses and will one day return to power. The plot continues, as we like to joke!

I’m not a religious man but Christmas is always a happy time for me. How can it not be when as dictator all my underlings were under strict orders to give me presents and praise. One year, a minister in my government gave me his wife. Seriously! Oh, how we laughed. Maybe I shouldn’t have had him shot. He was my brother after all. But hey, one of the hallmarks of being a ruler is our unpredictability.

But 2009 wasn’t all bad. I had some Hollywood producers contact me for the rights to my life story. Seems that the Che Guevara gravy train has run dry and they’re looking for the next charismatic revolutionary to put on a t-shirt. They weren’t phased at all when I told them that I used to adopt African babies so that my real kids would learn some gratitude and quit crying about the beatings. Said it would make a great celluloid moment a la “Mommie Dearest.”

BREAKING NEWS:

US shuts down Radio-Free North Korea!

Radio Free North Korea has been shut down by imperialist American dogs, says a source inside the studio. “Some reports say we were shut down because of power cuts.,” he said. “Wrong! That is American propaganda!!! Is very simple, our host ate the microphone. It is not his fault. In his delirious state he thought it was ice cream cone. It will take 6 weeks before we can get a new one … I know, I know. Japan is so close, couldn’t be just send over a squad of special forces and steal one from a store? If I had a penny for every time I heard that … It’s not so simple. We need a boat for starters.”

FEATURES:

What’s inside your European Carry-all?

Profile: Iranian general Hassim Asgharivan never goes far without his sunscreen and lotion.
“I use Pantene Lavish Looks to keep the dry desert air from clogging my pours. When I hit the beach, I always put on Junior Sun Block lotion because I love to lay back and enjoy the weather, the barbecues, the feeling of sand between my toes and watching my beautiful young daughter frolic in the ocean … I killed her hamster so I kind of owe her a ‘fun’ day.”

SHOUT-OUTS:

Congrats to Bobby M. for hitting the number one spot in 2009’s Best Dictator category, proving once again that just because you lose an election and are forced to share power with your enemies in a ‘national unity’ government is no reason to stop trying to be the best you can be! We asked what was in store for 2010 and he was coy as usual, saying only that the money will continue to flow for whoever supports him (nudge nudge, wink wink). Way to go, Bobby!

And how about my old bowling partner Omar Al-Bashir for moving up to number 2 spot. ‘The Bash’  as we like to call him (don’t EVER call him ‘Omo’ or he will give you a one-way ticket to Darfur) is the glorious leader of Sudan, who has smartly used an arrest warrant from the International Criminal Court to spin his way up  the rankings. The ICC. Bah! Should be called the IC-not!

CLASSIFIEDS:

HUGE SALE! Limited time only get previously enjoyed headless-Lenin statues. Just plop your own head on top and you’ve got an instant statue in your honour! Great for plazas, Buy from me, Crazy Ivan  – I won’t be undersold!!!

M4W, handsome death squad leader seeks female for good times, invasions of beaches, must like bunkers. Serious enquiries only please. Sorry, can’t meet in public.

For sale, 12 tanks. Good condition, need tracts, paint job (No manual but big red button is self-explanatory). Any reasonable offer considered as these tanks have terrible karma.

123passports. Buy 10 and get a free working visa for Albania! (will also work in Alabama)

Mercenaries Wanted: Just make your way to Afghanistan and join the first American or Taliban training camp you find. Guaranteed employment until death.

SPECIAL OFFER FOR MEMBERS ONLY:

Grab this limited edition 24′ x 10′ mural for your war room now! Call for members only price.

Click here to keep up with this new great blog.

Today’s kids had better get their heads out of their virtual asses and find proper employment or they’re gonna end up washing dishes for their Chinese overlords in a few years.

With the economy in recession we thought it would be a good time to guide our children into more lucrative career paths.

Brilliant or Stupid? If you don't like any of these there's always prostitution...

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Iceland, known to be one of the healthiest nations on the planet , is bemoaning celebrating the fact that McDonald’s is pulling out of the country. All three McDonald’s on the island nation of 300,000 skinny dippers recently shut.

Iceland, one of the world’s wealthiest nations until the collapse of its banking sector last year, will join Albania, Armenia and Bosnia and Herzegovina in a small band of European countries that are both difficult to spot on a map and are without a McDonald’s.

Several other countries are now asking Iceland for help in ridding their country of McDonald’s as well.

This wonderful news heralds a glorious new McDonald’s-free age for the country of Iceland, and got us thinking if the global economic collapse might not be such a bad thing. Check out our vision of a brave new world in the podcast below.

Brilliant or Stupid? Any excuse to fire Ronald McDonald is good enough for us...

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Mr Al Jazeera has aired a new holiday season message from bin Laden in which he urged his followers to redouble their efforts in order to fulfill his Christmas wish of bringing down the Great Satan before New Year’s Eve.

“I gotta get out of this cave,” bin Laden says on the video. “After eight years of living in the hills and caves, I’m starting to forget my bank machine PIN number. And there’ s no way I’m celebrating another New Year by kissing a goat.”

He went on to explain that victory is near, claiming that the next terror attack will “definitely, absolutely, for realsies” end the war against the infidels. “Just one more bomb will bring down Western civilization and then we can all go home,” he said as he was shown crossing his fingers behind his back.

A new satellite has been launched to help keep track of TV weathermen and weatherwomen’s frantic hand gestures. The satellite was launched after television viewers complained that the quick pace and continued blathering about conditions they do not live in and have no desire to even travel to caused them much anxiety.

“Can’t they just go to another news report? It’s too chaotic watching them. Commercials are more relaxing than these bozos,” said one whiner, who was woken from a very comfortable nap thanks to last night’s weather report that lasted 22 minutes and he knows because he timed it.

The satellite will include an automatic mute button for whenever they start discussing the barometric pressure or if any of them veer off-topic by mentioning their pets. Until the technology is up-and-running people are being advised to look out the window if they would like to know today’s weather.

Swiss bankers have given new meaning to the term 'offshore accounts'

Swiss Fromage, a Swiss bank that refuses to identify its wealthy clients (mainly criminal gangs and corrupt dictators), has opened a branch on the moon, where it says it does not have to adhere to new international treaties.

“Well, where else are criminals supposed to hide their money?” sniffed Gilles Camembert, the bank’s managing director. “Many countries are cracking down on banking secrecy and offshore accounts so we have to stay one step ahead of them. Our new branch has the most secure vault on the moon and a drive-thru internet cafe.”

Dictators, despots, criminals and celebrated politicians have long embraced Switzerland’s laws that shield their identity and let them hoard their cash with no questions asked. But many observers predict the demise of Swiss banking secrecy thanks to new treaties such as the one between the US Internal Revenue Service and UBS, which demands the Swiss bank reveal who stashes money in its accounts.

Swiss Fromage believes it has found a loophole. “The moon has no treaties with earth,” Mr Camembert said. “Legally, we can do what we like. We think many of our clients who do not like laws will appreciate this.”

Mr Camembert would neither confirm nor deny rumours that the bank will offer up many other illegal activities such as cock-fighting, death races and gay marriage, but did admit that the company had trademarked the term “SwitzerMoon” for future development that will include a gold-plated theme park once space tourism becomes mainstream.

“The moon is the new wild west,” he giggled.

Brilliant or stupid? You decide, spaceman

A man who once complained of too many toppings on pizzas has turned his attention to the interland. Jeremy Fullstop says today’s websites have too many hyperlinks to other websites and web pages that it is now physically impossible to navigate around a page without inadvertently clicking on a link and having the browser sent elsewhere.

“They’re so desperate to climb up Google’s rankings that they’ll link to anything, anywhere,” he said, while exercising his fingers. “Look, if I want  to go back to the top of this page, where do I click? How? See, if I go here — oh, there we go again. Great, now I’ve gone to another miracle cure diet site!”

Mystic healer Shu Away-Foo agreed: “The Chinese have ancient saying about this. There may be one loaf of bread, but 24 slices in that loaf. How can you pick the right slice? You can’t. It’s impossible.”

Brilliant or Stupid? Click here...

Fast-track to nowhere: Bert takes the plunge

A man has built a roller-coaster in his backyard and hopes neighbourhood children will ride on him.

“It’s perfectly safe. The kids have to be at least this high before they can strap themselves on to me,” says Bert Semicolon of Shropshire, England, Great Britain, UK.

Safety experts have inspected Mr Semicolon and found no obvious cracks or fissures. However, as a class 8 vehicle Mr Semicolon will have to undergo regular oil changes (Editor’s note: That’s enough of this story)

Brilliant or Stupid? We'd love to get a woman's view of this...

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Back before the invention of sports bars and ginormously large TV screens, people used to congregate in pubs to drink, start fights, and get stabbed. Sadly, sword play is no longer allowed (health and safety regulations), but wouldn’t it be fun to at least enjoy the atmosphere of yesteryear with a pub inside a mock pirate boat?

Piracy has already made a trendy return (Somali pirates and internet pirates are already hot, and the Pirate Flu is next in line after H1N1), yet there is no place for today’s pirates to go to enjoy wine, women and song. It’s time for some brilliant entrepreneur (or a brave person to pitch it on Dragon’s Den). The concept is hidden gold (geddit?): customers are served by pirates in a pub that looks like a pirate ship. It has costumes, beer, barrels of rum, comely wenches and costumes (getting stabbed strictly optional).

Go ahead... pillage this idea.

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Television network NBC has announced that a “Friends” spin-off show about the cast’s “imaginary friends” has been cancelled after the pilot episode screened poorly.

“As you might expect imaginary friends are hard to film because they are invisible. In the end, the entire pilot episode was basically the cafe or the apartment, some furniture and a fern and nothing happened. It wasn’t very entertaining,” said one insider.

The Actor’s Guild applauded the cancellation as they were planning to strike if imaginary actors threatened the jobs of union members. “Our industry already suffers from recycled jokes, fake ‘reality’ dramas and unrealistic plot twists …  imaginary characters are simply crossing the line,” said a union boss.

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Russia has beat out the USA, Israel and Nato to win the coveted 2009 Warrior of the World award during a televised ceremony in London, UK.

Russian General Gogol gets a congratulatory phone call from his mum

The judges applauded Russia’s ability to not only maintain a war in Chechnya for several years but to also keep the war out of the headlines. Russia also received bonus points thanks to rumours that they invaded Laos last month without so much as a blog post written against them. The Kremlin could neither confirm nor deny the report because they were right in the middle of lunch.

However, the judgment did not sit well with the American media, which are now claiming that the points system used to decide this year’s winner should be based on total number dead rather than total lands occupied. Fox News is already declaring the USA winners.

This year there were five nations/entities vying for the small arms close-combat category: China, Russia, Congo (including assorted militias and gangs), Israel and terrorist group al-Qaeda. However, al-Qaeda was disqualified for not RSVP’ing to the Awards Ceremony and they had to give up their table to Quebecois separatists, who received 3 nominations thanks to a Canadian government grant. Al-Qaeda’s leader, who is a famous recluse, has vowed to file a formal complaint or bomb a Somalian submarine, whichever comes first. Israel came out as winner and everyone protested.

There was a touching moment during the ceremony when the US, as the invading army, met for the first time the victim, Vietnam, on stage, nearly 45 years after the bloodshed began. The two parties embraced each other, toasted Champagne, posed for pictures and then reminisced about the carnage. General Tuc Phao, 79, said: “He killed my entire village. I’m the only survivor.” To which General William Westerland replied: “You didn’t just survive — you own your own Subway franchise.”

Mr Phao said: “Yes, thanks to you.”

“Oh, stop. You’re make me blush,” Gen Westerland said. They then embraced and were later spotted on stage doing karaoke at the Kalishnakov after party.

Russia was also featured later in the lifetime achievement award. To celebrate their awards, the country drank heavily and then invaded Finland and Poland again.

(Editor’s note: Hey, is anyone gonna write a story about this?!)

(Reporter’s note: The headline says it all. You want me to get a quote from a senator or vampire or something?)

(Editor’s note: On second thought, it might upset mothers. Get some cute puppy pics instead…)

Japan’s indoor beach has been hit by a tsunami, though there were no injuries as beach staff responded quickly by pulling the plug and draining the pool.

The beach, built inside a dome that offers sun, sand and sharks 365 days a year, is where beach bums get the comfort of a climate-controlled experience complete with volcanos and artificial sea full of flora, fauna and funa.

The “beach” (or ‘old polluted industrial complex’ as it is known on local maps) also has a retractable sun roof on the dome so weather permitting, outdoor elements such as dive-bombing seagulls can enter and harass picnicgoers.

TV executives and makers of pirated merchandise are eagerly awaiting the latest fad to reach hormonally charged teenagers: werewolves.

“Vampires on television shows are so  last year,” said one television executive who annoyingly barked and growled throughout the interview. “Werewolves are much sexier than vamps. Think about it: they do it doggy style, which everyone loves, they have lots of hair, big teeth — so much more to offer than vampires with girly hair dating in high school.”

The success of television shows, such as Vampire Diaries, has prompted network executives to seek out the next big thing. This season ABC plans to air the Beverley Hills 9021-growl, in which a group of werewolves form a debating team and have to propose an argument for gun control while constantly fighting the urge to chase cars and fetch the teacher’s slippers.

Sleestaks latest CD is at number 1 on Tokyo's charts

The Sleestak Chronicles, currently showing in Japan, follows a group of teenage Sleestaks as they navigate the awkward phase of dealing with grown-up issues all the while succeeding in their mission to kill humans.

The show, currently just below Japan’s top-rated game show Pain! Pain! Pain!, has already spawned a music group that moves very slowly on stage to Belgian trance music.

The Sleestak show is so successful teenage girls in Japan have flocked to marry lizards.

Ingredients:
1 kilo ground lamb/pork/shrimp/tooth paste
1 curry
1 mint patty (remove chocolate shell)
1 bottle red wine
3 bags of chips
1 (optional)
3 pizza shells or frozen pizzas (DO NOT THAW)

Method:
1) Force your kid to mix all ingredients then let sit for 6 hours. Pray for peace and happiness. Before selecting buns, choose a table or counter to place them on.
2) Take a break. Enjoy nice glass of wine and some chips.
3) Find solace in fact that you are not jeopardizing your health with doughnuts. This recipe has trace amounts of vitamins.
4) Fry 4 cups of oil in pan/steel garbage can. Simmer and baste.
5 ) Call your mother. She deserves to hear from you more than once a year on her birthday.
6) Chop onions, garlic and buns.
7) Disregard step 6 — there are no garlic and onions in this recipe.
7A) Talk to your ingredients. Tell them you need to work together as a team. Discard any rebels.
8C) Take your lover firmly, unzip [CENSORED]
9) Blend until chunky
10) Complain about the mess to your roommates/family and have a fit until they help clean everything up.
11) Bon ape tits!

A comic artist who has actually been on many dates (some of them with women) has been unlucky in his quest to have a new action word — Fubhl — approved for his comic series The Bus Stop Chronicles.

The artist, Erick Apostrophe, isn't in this photo.

Erick Apostrophe had hoped to use the word in the same way other comics such as Batman and Spider-Man employ such onomatopoeia (Editor’s note: Please, please spell-check that word), or words that imitate or suggest the source of the sound that it describes.  Such famous examples are Kapow, Zap, Wham, and Snuffleupagus. (Editor’s note: Ditto on the spell-chek)

Mr Apostrophe whined: ”That sound burst is integral for my evil creation, Dr Bark, an evil arbourist* who flings growling squirrels at his enemies. The sound burst is the sound the squirrels make when they hit a vital organ.”

But comic book authorities disagreed. ”It sounds like the name of an eastern European car. We have to have high standards. We’ll never live down our mistake of allowing “Oh-Bama” last year,” said a statement read out by a man in his 30s who still dresses like he’s 18.

(*The opinions reflected in this story are not those of BS.com — someone is bound to be pro-life)

The town of Jobbsbintakken, Norway has filed a lawsuit against Google after their mapping system gave up on the town’s city centre and replaced it with a giant unhappy face.

“Maps are too literal,” the mayor said. “Our map is a work of art. You have to remember that the donkey is not necessarily meant to be a farm animal, but rather it’s meant for each viewer to think about what it is they are looking at and if they get something out of it, then that is great!”

The town’s avant garde approach to city planning has already earned it kudos for its bold decision to turn the local airport’s runway into a super long bowling alley.

The Anti-Everything Brigade’s inaugural meeting was halted just after it began as members protested each other.

“The meeting was held in Portland and that’s a non-starter right there because a council member dared to travel to Israel,” said one protester. “Plus, the agenda was written on only 50 per cent recycled paper, which is worse than genocide!”

One member started a fire after the buffet table contained Krispy Kreme doughnuts. His motion calling for a ban on all multinational corporatations was passed, then defeated, then declared null and void, but later approved in principle with 500 conditions and caveats.

An afternoon that was originally planned to organize protests against a long litany of corporate criminals came to an end when the AEB recognized that the only logical conclusion to endless protests was to shut themselves down.

Most protesters/members admitted they got tired of voting against everything. “After 6 hours of putting our arms up and shouting down speakers we’d had enough. But in the end we successfully voted to ban ourselves which is quite the accomplishment,” said one happy member.

A self-congratulatory press release from the AEB claimed that “ours is the first progressive organization in history which avoided the bourgeois trap of ever-increasing bureaucratic growth by successfully shutting ourselves down through the power of grassroots direct action.”

The superhero known as Prospector (a grizzled 1800s gold digger from the Klondike days who carries a pick axe and rides a flying donkey) says he is upset that Hollywood has yet to offer him a movie deal.

“It’s discrimination just cuz I ain’t sexy, dagnabbit!” he spat. “Spider Man is a freak! He shoots gooey stuff out of his wrists, fergawdsakes! And don’t get me started on them Fantastic Four? One guy creates fire. Another stretches himself. Gimme a break — all they got is parlour tricks!”

Child poverty groups have condemned recent moves to stop militias and armies from recruiting child soldiers in Africa. “At least when they were in the militias they got fresh air and exercise. Now they just watch Scooby Doo reruns and get fat,” scoffed one UN worker.

[Editors' note: Can someone fix that headline? Those kids can't afford a couch and I'm sure they don't know what a potato is.]

The resort's new owners are struggling over where to put the "vacancy" sign

Global Comfort, a major hotel and resort chain, plans to transform the Guantanamo Bay detention centre in Cuba into a 5-star Carribbean resort once the US military is done with it.

“It’s quite a magical place, ” said Terry Umlaut, Global Comfort chief executive. “Once we spruce up the place and add some hanging flower baskets, cabana boys and offer cheap daiquiris, nobody will care about the torture that went on.”

China and several other regimes were reported last month to be in talks with the US over leasing the site and its cells because their jails are full. “Jails cost money but resorts make money so when you think about it, it really was a no-brainer for the military to quit the sector and concentrate on their core business of killing.”

Cable TV and free in-suite coffee will be provided for each room. There will be an additional charge for real toilets.

But Global Comfort secured the deal with some last-minute sweeteners. “In the end we offered to keep a few rooms open for special guests of the US military. Naturally room service will be limited for those rooms,” Mr Umlaut said.

Paris Hilton, Jay-Z and other celebrities are being offered publicity deals to help promote the site. Mr Umlaut said the three camps will be linked by electric fences, guard towers and a pool. Guests will be ordered offered painful luxurious in-room services during lockdowns and stretching machines will be transformed into ping-pong tables.

Free water-boarding skiing lessons will also be available.

As a public service for our blind audience BrilliantOrStupid.com has created the world’s first website for the blind. Click here to learn more. No, not here … Go back a few spaces … No … Now you’re way off … Oh, forcryinoutloud!

(Publisher’s note: Forget it, we’ll never sell ads for this)

A Nigerian Prince has been bilked out of hundreds of millions of dollars by former Wall Street bankers. The bankers, all of whom were fired for contributing to the credit crisis and bail-out of banks, used to work in complex derivative instruments.

(Editor’s note: cut to the chase, nobody understands this stuff anyway).

The bankers asked the prince for help in transferring hundreds of millions of dollars to a secret Swiss bank account. But rather than reimburse the prince for his troubles, the bankers emptied the prince’s account. The Nigerian Prince (who is not the black man pictured but nonetheless just as sad) had planned to donate the proceeds to a cancer hospital. He has now vowed never to help anyone again.

“This scam has been going on for years and years,” police said. “The bankers present themselves as savvy market participants but then go out and invest in extremely risky financial products while telling their victims their money is safe.”

(Editor’s note: I’m a bit uneasy doing a story on a black person. We’re both white. Is it appropriate for us to write about this?)

(Webmaster’s note: Hey, you can’t call us “black” anymore… it’s “pigmentally-enhanced.” Fucking racists!)

(Editor’s note: See, what I mean? Pigmentally-enhanced? I mean, is he joking or being serious? Can I even reprimand him for saying that?! )

(Reporter’s note: How about if I add this stuff below to make it more palatable?)

For more commentary and news on black people by a nice chap who isn’t afraid to be both entertaining and informative click here. Or here. But definitely not here. See, what I mean? I told you not to click there. Now, you’re just as annoyed as I am. They make a movie about a lady who cooks recipes written by another lady and that’s it. There’s no huge conflict, no big emotional challenge — she basically gets a little sad sometimes and that’s supposed to be good enough for a F$%&*@ movie these days?! Honestly! Why can’t they make a movie based on this guy’s blog? At least he has something to say! Arrrrgh!

Learn more here…

“No. You’re drunk,” he yelled back.

It’s official: the 2010 Vancouver-Whistler Winter Olympics has been deemed boring — five months ahead of schedule.

While many believe the competitions are expected to be fun and exciting, many fear the non-sporting events, such as the opening and closing ceremonies, cultural events and public parties intended to show off the city will be boring and embarrassing. “We are so lame. It’s all moose, moose, moose, Bryan Adams, Avril Lavigne, lumberjacks and igloos,” said the official Vancouver Olympics Organizing Committee (Vanoc) statement.

Already the city’s citizenry are gearing up to hang their hang their heads in collective shame.

As one Vancouver resident said: “I’ve put all my family, friends and colleagues’ phone numbers who don’t live here on speed dial. As soon as the Opening Ceremony begins I’m going to call everyone I know and apologise.”

“Belgium is cooler than us!” screamed one hysterical teenager.

Even the city’s newspapers are upset. Columnist Miro Cernnitigg, I mean, Cernet, Cirne, C-I-R-N … um, let me just copy/paste the name in here MIRO CERNETIG, of the Vancouver Sun wrote a front-page plea headlined: ”Can we please make Canada cool in 2010″.

However, provincial bureaucrats have already rejected that idea, saying proposals regarding “coolness” must be submitted early so they can be properly vetted by various committees. Said one belligerent provincial bureaucrat: “Having fun is a privilege not a right!”

A global shortage of stairs has erupted as shipments of stairs have all but stopped despite a huge rise in demand for stairs and staircases.

Reports are coming in from across the globe of individuals being stranded on floors above 1, though some have escaped the carnage with the help of firetruck ladders.

Construction companies have resorted to installing giant kiddie slides in the meantime. Health agencies say people are having more fun once they slide down but are confused by how to get back up.

“A mysterious Russian conglomerate has been buying up stair shipments, with what appears to be the tacit approval of the Kremlin,” says Stairs-and-landings.com,  a website that tracks shipments and is really interesting considering the extremely dull nature of the industry they cover. “The Russians want to be global leaders in energy and stairs. Once they control those things, they control the world.”

But one industry veteran, who has warned about this for some time and instead uses a hoist to lift himself up, said: “I suspect we are in for a long, long winter of fewer stairs.”

He suggested washing the stairs regularly with warm soapy water and vaccuuming once or twice a month to help prolong the life of stairs. He then provided the accompanying image on the right (to your right that is, not my right) depicting what can happen if people do not take proper care of their stairs.

In 1963 the British government decided to test the effects of LSD on soldiers. The results prove that the world would be a much more peaceful place if mind-altering drugs were legalized. The footage begs the question: rather than shoot at our enemies can’t we just spike their water with acid?