Tonight on Prison TV — Dancing with the Guards

Nelson makes his 400th forced appearance on Late Night Before Lights Out With Barry

With so many celebrities, executives, politicians and journalists doing stints in prison these days, there’s bound to be one of them who will kick up a fuss about the quality of television shows on offer in the canteen. And he’d be right. What good will it do a lifer to watch Extreme Makeover, Home Edition when he should be watching Extreme Makeover: Prison Edition.

Or better yet, Prison News — with tonight’s top story: Lead digger questions escape tunnel route. Followed by a sitcom based on the Odd Couple, filmed in the cell shared by a fastidious embezzling accountant and a dog-fight-promoting NFL rapist (viewer discretion is strongly advised).

Or howzabout a jailhouse-based talk show called Late Night Before Lights Out With Barry, filmed before a live, confined audience, brought to you by the bad people in Cell Block D, who supplied the clean linens and unnecessary license plates. With special guest Jimmy ‘two fingers up’ Jones, the jailhouse comic who will do his celebrated impression of Sam Kinison yelling at Warden Phillips: “When I asked for a shank I didn’t mean the beef kind! Oh! OH! OH! OHHHHHHHHHHH!”