Brilliant or Stupid?

Do ferocious beasts make good pets? It’s human nature to force another species to submit to our will purely for our enjoyment (how else do we explain internet clips of cats crapping in toilets?). But most wild animals would, if asked using the closest language to the animal kingdom we have which is Ewok bibble-babble, be shocked that you’d yank them out of the wild.

Actually, shocked isn’t strong enough a word: think Cujo on crack.  Now give him a reason to go after your nuts. There. Got that mental image? Good, now you have a sense of how angry these animals must feel when they get trapped and sold for our amusement. No wonder then that some fight back against their two-legged masters, as was the case recently in Ontario when a man’s pet tiger mauled him to death. (Editor’s note: See, Canada’s not so boring.)

It took weeks to get the blood out of his fur after this cute killer hamster butchered his owners while they ate all the ice cream without offering him even one little dropper-full.

So why do it? Is it simply because we love the feeling of caressing a bit of soft fur? (Editor’s note: Steady…) Probably not because many people own snakes, lizards and shellfish as pets and evolution has clearly not caught up with them yet so the cuteness factor is only part of the reason.

If you have a pet tiger, elephant or Inuit are you just showing off? Or maybe some people get off doing dangerous things. That’s quite possible but then how many of those same people go parachuting, sumo wrestling or engage in bar fights with husky transvestites named Corky? We bet most don’t. In fact, most wild animals are kept in secure pens anyway, so it’s not like you could take a lion to your cafe, or throw a stick in a park and tell him to fetch it — and we know why, because he’d come back belching from devouring your neighbour’s purebred shitzu.

The short answer is these wild animals are trouble: they can’t be toilet trained, they’ll cut you to pieces if you feed them anything less than osso bucco and really, who’d want to face the prospect of being mauled when it comes time to take out an agitated beast’s litterbox?

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Before the invention of speed dialing there were fewer people. As such, the phone numbers used to contain fewer digits and people used to say odd phrases such as “Operator get me Klondike 4327″. Life was simpler, happier dumber, boringer back then.

But then along the way, people discovered sex for fun and the population exploded. While we were porking, phone numbers kept getting longer and longer, yet oddly, our patience has receded.

It’s no wonder people use speed dial and contacts lists — we can’t even remember our PIN numbers let alone an entire phone number. Time to go back to basics and solve the problem at its roots: the world needs more numbers. It’s time to create a new one. Or not. Whatever, we’re not counting this anyway.

"I wasted how many years in University?"

Brilliant or Stupid?
On a scale from 1 to 3, this is a zero...

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Smokers. Love them or simply be annoyed by them, they’ll probably be around forever whether we like it or not. Kinda like Republicans. But what to do with them? Name and shame them? Parade them through streets before putting them on show trials? Or douse them with gasoline and watch them ignite the next time they try to light up? (Kids, don’t try that at home… make sure you’re outside.)

Better yet, why not take after the tobacco companies and just make money off them?

Now that smoking bans are spreading across the globe we came up with just the idea: Turn abandoned old photo booths into smoking booths. The concept is simple and yet clever. We take photo booths that people do not use anymore and let smokers puff away inside them while charging them money for the privilege. Granted this idea has probably been done in cool places like Japan — where they ingeniously got around smoking regulations by creating a smoking lounge — but across the Pacific these ideas have yet to arrive.

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