After being reminded that he was elected to get America out of its wars, US President Barack Obama unveiled a new long-term plan for Afghanistan which involves dumbing-down the next generation of Jihadists with video games.

“Thanks to video games American kids have gotten fat, lazy and incoherent over the past 30 years. We owe the children of Afghanistan the same opportunity, ” the President told Congress. “We will begin our plan with 30,000 copies of Pong air-dropped into the caves of Afghanistan which already have television. Then, over the next few decades, we will upgrade their video systems until eventually all future terrorists will waste all their energy killing innocent bystanders in Grand Theft Auto.”