Brilliant or Stupid?

People are suckers for the latest exercise craze (yesterday it was the yoga ball, today it’s the ab chair — what’s next, the yoga twig?!) Yet everyone is cashing in on it except us.

By next week some city out there is going to yank out all the seats in a bus and replace them with yoga matts. “Why sit there doing nothing, when you can exercise your way to work/school/bank machine,” they’ll say, while jacking up the price of a bus fare. Regular bus, $2.75. Yoga Bus $22.95.

Well, we’re not one for being left behind trends (we got rid of our acid wash jeans way before anyone else did!) BrilliantOrStupid.com is proud to present the Fat-loss Spatula. This state-of-the-art ergonomically designed kitchen tool, specially engineered by people wearing white suits and talking formally, has been ‘proven’ to help you lose weight.

It’s also good for colonic irrigations too! Only $54.99 plus taxes, shipping and other fees. Buy one today! Buy two and we promise not to display any more pictures of fat men (we’ve got two on this site and we’d prefer to look at beautiful women, so obviously we’ve got to rein in the editorial operations of this site.) Wait, is it rein or reign?  I can’t remember. Just like defence and defense, you see it correctly one day, but the next you’re second guessing the spell check program written by people who have poor communication skills. I’ve lost 4,000 calories typing up rants for this site…

Editor’s Note: hey, fat men are our best customers, can you retract that statement?

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When Americans get too old to be cold they move to Florida and Hawaii. When Canadians get too old to be cold they are put on sheets of ice and sent to Baffin Island. It just doesn’t seem fair. So we suggest a partnership with a small poverty-stricken nation that happens to be blessed with miles of sun-soaked beaches.

We made some calls but even the most desperate of them hung up when they heard we were from Canada. Except one: Haiti. Listen to the podcast below for all the exciting opportunities of this mutually-beneficial-partnership. Canadians get to escape the frozen tundra without any bureaucratic nightmares to ruin their retirements and Haitians are welcome to fill out the under-populated towns of Northern Saskatchewan. Bring the whole family,  there’s lots of room. Besides,  our nation is experiencing a severe shortage of witch doctors.

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We delve into a complex issue and speak as fast as we can because we know you are too busy to waste time with any podcast longer than 3 minutes. That’s why this podcast will be a speedy 6 seconds (or thereabouts … whatever, we weren’t timing it). So on your marks, get set … go!

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People go through all kinds of transformations (remember Britney’s  Kojak phase? How about Kojak’s Britney phase? OK, bad examples) so why can’t an ex-terrorist, axe murderer, or CEO be groomed to fit in with society? No, please don’t answer because it’s just a rhetorical question. We don’t really want an answer, we only want the fame and fortune that will follow us around after we pitch this “extremely” excellent TV reality show concept (drum roll, please): Extremist Makeover!

bin Laden knows exactly who has been naughty: all infidels!

Here’s the pitch:

Tagline: Can washed-up fanatics be washed-up and assimilated into society?

Synopsis: We take take ex-terrorists and ex-cons and attempt to re-introduce them to society by giving them a haircut and a new wardrobe (and yes, a shave, obviously), and teach them life skills other than violence.

For example, the “Unabomber” (remember him? No, well click here)  just needs a good shave and to trade in that hoody for a tweed sports jacket and he could easily slip back into the university system. Television viewers can watch as he is challenged to do everyday tasks and the minute he utters a death threat or sends a mail bomb, he goes back to prison.

Don’t poo-poo this idea. You know someone out there somewhere is going to make it happen, because we’ve hit every demographic. Men want to watch serial killers on TV, and women love to watch bad boys make positive changes in their lives.

So listen to our latest podcast and yuck as David neglects to do his Taliban impression (it usually involves shaking of fists and lots of spitting — the kids love it!) and instead makes the Jihadist sound like a poor imitation of Borat. In his defence, he really was quite drunk.

Brilliant or Stupid? Don't knock it til you've seen Mugabe's new sweater...

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A four-millimetre tall man who is often mistaken for a “bacon bit” has finally got the last laugh by getting inside people’s mouths on his own terms — as a dentist.

After drifting from job to job (once as an ant impersonator,  later as a clothes peg) Tom DeLisle, 28, has found employment after passing dentist school.

“Those jerks at Cirque du Soleil can shove their minimum wage up their freakishly flexible asses … I’m a doctor now!” he kept repeating during the surgery.

The heavily sedated patient was unable to comment due to excruciating pain, but has vowed to floss more often.

A novel written by a record 47,000 different authors has finally been completed and published. Each author submitted random samples to the project, consisting of everything from one word, a sentence, a hyphen, to even entire sentences. The editors of BrilliantOrStupid.com are proud to be represented on page 789 with the phrase “even the mightiest warrior has to stop to take a dump every now and then and then pay penance for ruining thy petunias.”

The project took three days to complete and was spearheaded by archivist James Dustybins. “All I do all day long is file and catalogue things. Then one day I giggled at the idea of collecting one piece made from different people. I posted a request on the internet and the submissions came flooding in by e-mail — even from people who don’t speak English or could barely read. The book, entitled “The Art of Twilight’s Herbal Viagra Special Luxury Watches Porn Deals” goes on sale Tuesday.

Mr Dustybins said the plot is a finely woven intricate story of love and hope between a Hobbit and a vampire, it’s an emotional journey as well as a satire and political thriller/horror set aboard a space ship commanded by zombie mutants and being chased by hunky cowboys with commitment issues.

Mr Snitt in happier times

Brilliantorstupid.com, a division of Worldwide Global Mega Media Co-Corporation, is proud to announce the appointment of Herbert J Snitt, aged 74, as technology correspondent. In keeping with the tradition of appointing correspondents to cover a field that they have little knowledge about, Mr Snitt knows nothing about technology, but comes highly recommended after serving two terms as the tech adviser to the government of Nova Scotia. He first learned about computers while at the public library last Thursday when his six-year-old grand-daughter helped him search for a book on the proper way to iron your pyjamas.

“My first day at work this punk kid assignment editor asked me if I’m on twitter so I decked him. He smells like a girl anyway, so who’s the twitter now?” Mr Snitt said. “My first column will be about how them laptops look like a kitchen cutting board. How can you trust a computer that’s smaller than a Buick?

“If you like that one, I got plenty more ideas like how to save 3 cents on toothpaste, how to guilt-trip your kids into mowing your lawn, and how to smell like a senior so you can get discounts at them movie halls. Young people are all criminals, taxes are too high and so on.”

“I’ll mail them to you when I’m finished typing ‘em up in about six to eight weeks. I’m sure I’ve got some stamps around here somewhere … wait, just give me a minute … I’ll find them, oh look, there’s that button I lost. Damn, doesn’t fit anymore … do I smell ham and cheese? Mmmm lunch time. Wake me after my nap.”

After writing his first column Mr Snitt plans to sail around the world in his bathtub.

Did you know the FBI offers large rewards for the capture of badasses? No silly, not rapper Chris Brown. We’re talking global terrorists. Don’t believe us? Check out this $25 million bounty on bin Laden’s head (an extra $700 if you don’t get blood on his turban).

Well this is your chance to begin scrutinizing that person sitting next to you. Does he resemble a jihadist bent on destroying the capitalist system? You might not think that the collapse of global trade is such a big deal but you’ll be whistling a different tune when you can’t get those yummy Pocky treats from Japan (not to mention hot Swedish meatballs supermodels).

Here’s an idea to help make someone rich and be a hero (and the target of global jihadists, but hey, you can’t have your cake and protect it from honour killings too). Just “borrow” information from the FBI’s most wanted terrorists website to make our own ‘most wanted’ site with a difference: your new site doesn’t just list the mugshots of toothless bearded ones, you collect and disseminate any tips from the public to the law enforcement agencies. When the rewards are handed out, the owners of the site collect 10% of the bounty or ‘finder’s fee’ if you are too squeamish to use such a macho word. So what are you waiting for? Do your part for world peace by sending in the army!

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Manoi GO, a break-dancing robot from Japan was disqualified from the television show ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ after judges questioned his gender. “We weren’t even sure if Manoi is a girl’s or boy’s name, which is typical of foreigners. After inspecting Manoi GO’s … umm … equipment (I thank you), it was ruled that the robot should be removed from the program,” said the head of the committee who has 20-20 vision.

Manoi GO’s inventor shrugged off the news as he already has plans to begin a TV show called “So You’ve Been Programmed to Dance” which will be similar to Robot Wars but without all the macho posturing.

If that doesn’t work, Manoi GO’s inventor will turn his robots into vibrators. “That should appease the inspectors,” he figures. Click here to buy your breakdancing vibrator.

After being reminded that he was elected to get America out of its wars, US President Barack Obama unveiled a new long-term plan for Afghanistan which involves dumbing-down the next generation of Jihadists with video games.

“Thanks to video games American kids have gotten fat, lazy and incoherent over the past 30 years. We owe the children of Afghanistan the same opportunity, ” the President told Congress. “We will begin our plan with 30,000 copies of Pong air-dropped into the caves of Afghanistan which already have television. Then, over the next few decades, we will upgrade their video systems until eventually all future terrorists will waste all their energy killing innocent bystanders in Grand Theft Auto.”

The Sheikh loves the costumery of the movie The Mouse That Roared

Dubai’s ruler, Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum, says he has found a way out of the emirate’s debt problems — by declaring war on the US.

“If the US invades us, then the old saying ‘You break it, you bought it’ comes into play and US could ‘liberate’ us and then be on the hook for our debts,” he said.

The Sheikh said he got the idea after watching a the 1959 movie The Mouse that Roared, in which a gang of men from the fictitious country The Duchy of Grand Fenwick invade the US in order to help them with their economic woes. (An idea previously stolen and used with mixed results by Saddam Hussein in Gulf War, part 1.)

The Shiekh said he gets most of his best ideas from movies, which explains why he recently held a state banquet for the Muppets and had planned to open his own Jurassic Park before the debt crisis hit.

Reports from within Dubai claim the Shiekh’s secret service have forbid him to from watching 2012 before he gets any big ideas on destroying the planet.

After selling a bag if cheezies to a drunk just past midnight last night Rodriguez Dhaliwal’s world suddenly crumbled around him. “I was just counting out some change to this guy, and it hit me like a bolt of lighting. Money is just paper. This stuff is just paper with numbers on it! All these years I’ve been giving people pop and chips and in exchange all I’ve been getting back is this useless paper. I can’t eat it, can’t drink it. All it’s really good for is wiping my ass. What a huge and massive con I’ve fallen for.”

A phone call to the US president’s economic advisor confirmed the unusual discover.

“It’s true,” said an assistant to the secretary of the economic advisor’s secretary’s assistant. “It used to be worth something more but not lately. We were hoping that nobody would notice.”