Brilliant or Stupid?

A Wisconsin man has embarked on a barefoot pilgrimage to Hollywood to demand that Roland Emmerich make a disaster film based on Y2K.

“What’s 2012 got that Y2K doesn’t have? I’d rather put my faith in faulty computers than some dusty old Mayans any day, ” he bragged to the girl behind the counter at Krispy Kreme. “I’m convinced that with a massive marketing campaign there’s is still a good chance that Y2K will wipe out the world.”

He added: “When Y2K comes around again, I’ll be ready (Editor’s note: That’s enough of this story)

So, if the 100 Mile Diet is supposedly better for your health and the environment, doesn’t it stand to reason that the One-Mile Diet is 100 times better than that? Here’s one way to bring your carbon footprint down to nothing, and probably meet some desperate housewives in the process. Three cheers for the environment!

Please follow the rules:
1. Take only what you think you deserve.
2. Napkins do not grow on trees. Try not to eat like a pig.
3. Use the neighbour’s toilet only in an emergency.
4. Clean up after yourself. (This means you, Jack Black!)
5. Do not snoop (unless you have even the slightest reason to suspect they are terrorists (lawn not mowed, kids speak a second language, they don’t have cable) in which case bring a camera and check underwear drawer.
6. Do not be cheap and expect free food all the time. Keep up your end of the bargain and cook for once. It’s not hard, honestly, I mean an omelette takes a minute and you can add mushrooms, peppers, tomatoes… Shit! Do you really need an egg lesson?!?!? I MEAN WHAT DID YOU GROW UP ON? FUCKING CEREAL?! FUCK IT, STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!!!

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Separated at birth or feuding cousins?

After a midnight screening of King Kong vs. Godzilla a few nights ago George Lucas confessed to friends over dinner his servants that Star Wars VII will chronicle the epic battle between Sand People and the Taliban as mentioned in a Star Wars fanfic written by a 46-year-old  Boba Fett impersonator and cabaret singer.

Thanks to new technology yet to be invented the film will be shot entirely inside Lucas’ brain after which he will vomit out the digital stream of information directly into the intertubes, where eager fans will be allowed to download the entire film for free in exchange for their credit card numbers.

Private Edmonds stands by his decision to criticise his commanding officer

The US military has begun testing a suit of full-body armour made out of bibles. “You know how Hollywood movies always have a scene where a soldier’s life is saved because he kept a bible in his pocket in the exact spot where he was shot? We normally don’t take our cue from Hollywood films on this, except for maybe this and when we trained dolphins to attack foreign whales, but we figured we have a big budget and need to spend it all on something so we’ll try it out.”

The bibles were baptized before testing began to cleanse them of any evil, then stitched on to the uniform of specially-trained soldiers. ”We hear the Taliban are creating a suit of armour made out of the Koran. Well, we’ll see which army God loves most,” said the general.

Brilliant or Stupid? We smell the beginnings of a fatwa...

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Lest we forget: on November 25, 1999, the member of parliament responsible for soil thawing in lower Nunavut responded to a reporter’s question about bushes with the timeless quote: “This report is cause for some limited concern.”

By General Daniel Velasquez, editor-in-chief
There won’t be much cheer for dictators this holiday season. 2009 has not been a good year for us, what with all the peace deals and UN busybodies snooping about. And don’t get me started on the recent war crimes trial of comrade Radovan Karadzik. For shame! The thought that such a powerful man(iac) could be treated with such disrespect makes me want to invade something.

Sadly, I can’t do that however, because I am still a dictator-without-a-country. This is now my second year in exile after those bastards in the military overthrew me. Luckily I escaped on my private jet before they could string me up, but I have no regrets. I have to admit I still get teary-eyed thinking back to that fateful morning when I sat on my veranda, sipping my morning coffee while watching the troops storm the gates, take out my personal body guards, and commandeer my Rolls-Royce and PlayStation. It just shows I trained them well. They overthrew the capital with such precision and professionalism that I can hold my head up high and say ‘Yes, those boys who are now my enemies did their jobs well.’ Oh well, can’t complain. I have my stash of riches and mistresses and will one day return to power. The plot continues, as we like to joke!

I’m not a religious man but Christmas is always a happy time for me. How can it not be when as dictator all my underlings were under strict orders to give me presents and praise. One year, a minister in my government gave me his wife. Seriously! Oh, how we laughed. Maybe I shouldn’t have had him shot. He was my brother after all. But hey, one of the hallmarks of being a ruler is our unpredictability.

But 2009 wasn’t all bad. I had some Hollywood producers contact me for the rights to my life story. Seems that the Che Guevara gravy train has run dry and they’re looking for the next charismatic revolutionary to put on a t-shirt. They weren’t phased at all when I told them that I used to adopt African babies so that my real kids would learn some gratitude and quit crying about the beatings. Said it would make a great celluloid moment a la “Mommie Dearest.”

BREAKING NEWS:

US shuts down Radio-Free North Korea!

Radio Free North Korea has been shut down by imperialist American dogs, says a source inside the studio. “Some reports say we were shut down because of power cuts.,” he said. “Wrong! That is American propaganda!!! Is very simple, our host ate the microphone. It is not his fault. In his delirious state he thought it was ice cream cone. It will take 6 weeks before we can get a new one … I know, I know. Japan is so close, couldn’t be just send over a squad of special forces and steal one from a store? If I had a penny for every time I heard that … It’s not so simple. We need a boat for starters.”

FEATURES:

What’s inside your European Carry-all?

Profile: Iranian general Hassim Asgharivan never goes far without his sunscreen and lotion.
“I use Pantene Lavish Looks to keep the dry desert air from clogging my pours. When I hit the beach, I always put on Junior Sun Block lotion because I love to lay back and enjoy the weather, the barbecues, the feeling of sand between my toes and watching my beautiful young daughter frolic in the ocean … I killed her hamster so I kind of owe her a ‘fun’ day.”

SHOUT-OUTS:

Congrats to Bobby M. for hitting the number one spot in 2009′s Best Dictator category, proving once again that just because you lose an election and are forced to share power with your enemies in a ‘national unity’ government is no reason to stop trying to be the best you can be! We asked what was in store for 2010 and he was coy as usual, saying only that the money will continue to flow for whoever supports him (nudge nudge, wink wink). Way to go, Bobby!

And how about my old bowling partner Omar Al-Bashir for moving up to number 2 spot. ‘The Bash’  as we like to call him (don’t EVER call him ‘Omo’ or he will give you a one-way ticket to Darfur) is the glorious leader of Sudan, who has smartly used an arrest warrant from the International Criminal Court to spin his way up  the rankings. The ICC. Bah! Should be called the IC-not!

CLASSIFIEDS:

HUGE SALE! Limited time only get previously enjoyed headless-Lenin statues. Just plop your own head on top and you’ve got an instant statue in your honour! Great for plazas, Buy from me, Crazy Ivan  – I won’t be undersold!!!

M4W, handsome death squad leader seeks female for good times, invasions of beaches, must like bunkers. Serious enquiries only please. Sorry, can’t meet in public.

For sale, 12 tanks. Good condition, need tracts, paint job (No manual but big red button is self-explanatory). Any reasonable offer considered as these tanks have terrible karma.

123passports. Buy 10 and get a free working visa for Albania! (will also work in Alabama)

Mercenaries Wanted: Just make your way to Afghanistan and join the first American or Taliban training camp you find. Guaranteed employment until death.

SPECIAL OFFER FOR MEMBERS ONLY:

Grab this limited edition 24′ x 10′ mural for your war room now! Call for members only price.

Click here to keep up with this new great blog.

Today’s kids had better get their heads out of their virtual asses and find proper employment or they’re gonna end up washing dishes for their Chinese overlords in a few years.

With the economy in recession we thought it would be a good time to guide our children into more lucrative career paths.

Brilliant or Stupid? If you don't like any of these there's always prostitution...

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Iceland, known to be one of the healthiest nations on the planet , is bemoaning celebrating the fact that McDonald’s is pulling out of the country. All three McDonald’s on the island nation of 300,000 skinny dippers recently shut.

Iceland, one of the world’s wealthiest nations until the collapse of its banking sector last year, will join Albania, Armenia and Bosnia and Herzegovina in a small band of European countries that are both difficult to spot on a map and are without a McDonald’s.

Several other countries are now asking Iceland for help in ridding their country of McDonald’s as well.

This wonderful news heralds a glorious new McDonald’s-free age for the country of Iceland, and got us thinking if the global economic collapse might not be such a bad thing. Check out our vision of a brave new world in the podcast below.

Brilliant or Stupid? Any excuse to fire Ronald McDonald is good enough for us...

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Mr Al Jazeera has aired a new holiday season message from bin Laden in which he urged his followers to redouble their efforts in order to fulfill his Christmas wish of bringing down the Great Satan before New Year’s Eve.

“I gotta get out of this cave,” bin Laden says on the video. “After eight years of living in the hills and caves, I’m starting to forget my bank machine PIN number. And there’ s no way I’m celebrating another New Year by kissing a goat.”

He went on to explain that victory is near, claiming that the next terror attack will “definitely, absolutely, for realsies” end the war against the infidels. “Just one more bomb will bring down Western civilization and then we can all go home,” he said as he was shown crossing his fingers behind his back.

A new satellite has been launched to help keep track of TV weathermen and weatherwomen’s frantic hand gestures. The satellite was launched after television viewers complained that the quick pace and continued blathering about conditions they do not live in and have no desire to even travel to caused them much anxiety.

“Can’t they just go to another news report? It’s too chaotic watching them. Commercials are more relaxing than these bozos,” said one whiner, who was woken from a very comfortable nap thanks to last night’s weather report that lasted 22 minutes and he knows because he timed it.

The satellite will include an automatic mute button for whenever they start discussing the barometric pressure or if any of them veer off-topic by mentioning their pets. Until the technology is up-and-running people are being advised to look out the window if they would like to know today’s weather.

While Hollywood continues to pander to bored teens by churning out irritating superhero movies they have abandoned an entire generation of middle-aged men who also need role models.

Forget dazzling CGI effects, forget cutesy romantic sub-plots, and forget that big final explosion to cover up all the plot holes in that meandering thriller, just give us an angry man with a big stick who gives a short, sharp shot to everyone and anyone who annoys us. Three cheers for Stick Man!

Brilliant or Stupid? Answer wrong and you get a beating...

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