Brilliant or Stupid?

Swiss bankers have given new meaning to the term 'offshore accounts'

Swiss Fromage, a Swiss bank that refuses to identify its wealthy clients (mainly criminal gangs and corrupt dictators), has opened a branch on the moon, where it says it does not have to adhere to new international treaties.

“Well, where else are criminals supposed to hide their money?” sniffed Gilles Camembert, the bank’s managing director. “Many countries are cracking down on banking secrecy and offshore accounts so we have to stay one step ahead of them. Our new branch has the most secure vault on the moon and a drive-thru internet cafe.”

Dictators, despots, criminals and celebrated politicians have long embraced Switzerland’s laws that shield their identity and let them hoard their cash with no questions asked. But many observers predict the demise of Swiss banking secrecy thanks to new treaties such as the one between the US Internal Revenue Service and UBS, which demands the Swiss bank reveal who stashes money in its accounts.

Swiss Fromage believes it has found a loophole. “The moon has no treaties with earth,” Mr Camembert said. “Legally, we can do what we like. We think many of our clients who do not like laws will appreciate this.”

Mr Camembert would neither confirm nor deny rumours that the bank will offer up many other illegal activities such as cock-fighting, death races and gay marriage, but did admit that the company had trademarked the term “SwitzerMoon” for future development that will include a gold-plated theme park once space tourism becomes mainstream.

“The moon is the new wild west,” he giggled.

Brilliant or stupid? You decide, spaceman

A man who once complained of too many toppings on pizzas has turned his attention to the interland. Jeremy Fullstop says today’s websites have too many hyperlinks to other websites and web pages that it is now physically impossible to navigate around a page without inadvertently clicking on a link and having the browser sent elsewhere.

“They’re so desperate to climb up Google’s rankings that they’ll link to anything, anywhere,” he said, while exercising his fingers. “Look, if I want  to go back to the top of this page, where do I click? How? See, if I go here — oh, there we go again. Great, now I’ve gone to another miracle cure diet site!”

Mystic healer Shu Away-Foo agreed: “The Chinese have ancient saying about this. There may be one loaf of bread, but 24 slices in that loaf. How can you pick the right slice? You can’t. It’s impossible.”

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In the spirit of corporate bail-outs, Worldwide Global Mega Media Co-Corp., the owners of BrilliantorStupid.com, have been forced to seek public funding from any government and any individual due to no sales and incredibly huge gambling debts. As such, WGMM has decided to appeal to the public to provide one penny per person on the planet and any starships with the goal of saving our hides. Think about it: by giving us one penny each our accountants will promise not to flee to Costa Rica.

Please, for the love of God, give us a penny. It’s the least you could do (obviously because anything less than a penny is like totally not even worth it and probably on par with Zimbabwean currency).

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Fast-track to nowhere: Bert takes the plunge

A man has built a roller-coaster in his backyard and hopes neighbourhood children will ride on him.

“It’s perfectly safe. The kids have to be at least this high before they can strap themselves on to me,” says Bert Semicolon of Shropshire, England, Great Britain, UK.

Safety experts have inspected Mr Semicolon and found no obvious cracks or fissures. However, as a class 8 vehicle Mr Semicolon will have to undergo regular oil changes (Editor’s note: That’s enough of this story)

Brilliant or Stupid? We'd love to get a woman's view of this...

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As we explained in an earlier podcast [Who Wants to Marry a Robot?], the future promises to provide us with robot servants, chauffeurs, nannies and sex slaves. But with all progress comes trouble. One day your robot maid is vacuuming the dog, the next day she has logged on to your bank account and drained your life savings to send back to her family in Japan.

So how do we keep our robots subjugated? Check out the podcast below for some thrilling ideas like marrying them and giving them Valentine’s cards to slightly more sinister ideas like creating killer viruses and brainwashing them with crappy robot TV shows.

Brilliant or Stupid? Computer says stupid...

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Back before the invention of sports bars and ginormously large TV screens, people used to congregate in pubs to drink, start fights, and get stabbed. Sadly, sword play is no longer allowed (health and safety regulations), but wouldn’t it be fun to at least enjoy the atmosphere of yesteryear with a pub inside a mock pirate boat?

Piracy has already made a trendy return (Somali pirates and internet pirates are already hot, and the Pirate Flu is next in line after H1N1), yet there is no place for today’s pirates to go to enjoy wine, women and song. It’s time for some brilliant entrepreneur (or a brave person to pitch it on Dragon’s Den). The concept is hidden gold (geddit?): customers are served by pirates in a pub that looks like a pirate ship. It has costumes, beer, barrels of rum, comely wenches and costumes (getting stabbed strictly optional).

Go ahead... pillage this idea.

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Last week this presumably single guy became the world Burrito Eating Champion by downing 33.5 burritos in 10 minutes (there’s a big gob of it hanging off his chin) and ended up having his fat face splattered all over the news outlets (It’s true, even serious news organizations ran this story … What, there no wars this week or something?)

Now, the question is: why didn’t Taco Bell sponsor this competition in order to get all the free publicity? Which brings us to our money making scheme: make a career out of having corporations sponsor your disgusting food fetish!

PLAN A: Make a career out of stuffing yourself with disgusting fast food.

Offer your services to various companies and then break the world record for ‘eating’ the most of their products. For example, get McDonald’s to pay you to eat 30 Big Macs in 10 minutes (or whatever the world record is). The companies get free publicity, while you get the cash after your released from hospital and are enjoying your new colostomy bag.

PLAN B: Become the Don King of Extreme Eating by compiling a team of fat pigs to do the dirty work for you.

Advertise on Craigslist for people who would like to get famous with Plan A (above) but couldn’t be bothered to actually do the work in order to get the sponsorships  themselves. In your role as Don King you make the phone calls, hook up various corporations with a member of your FatSquad, and skim a bit from the profits when the cheques come in.

Brilliant or Stupid? Fat chance this will work...

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