Russia has beat out the USA, Israel and Nato to win the coveted 2009 Warrior of the World award during a televised ceremony in London, UK.
Russian General Gogol gets a congratulatory phone call from his mum
The judges applauded Russia’s ability to not only maintain a war in Chechnya for several years but to also keep the war out of the headlines. Russia also received bonus points thanks to rumours that they invaded Laos last month without so much as a blog post written against them. The Kremlin could neither confirm nor deny the report because they were right in the middle of lunch.
However, the judgment did not sit well with the American media, which are now claiming that the points system used to decide this year’s winner should be based on total number dead rather than total lands occupied. Fox News is already declaring the USA winners.
This year there were five nations/entities vying for the small arms close-combat category: China, Russia, Congo (including assorted militias and gangs), Israel and terrorist group al-Qaeda. However, al-Qaeda was disqualified for not RSVP’ing to the Awards Ceremony and they had to give up their table to Quebecois separatists, who received 3 nominations thanks to a Canadian government grant. Al-Qaeda’s leader, who is a famous recluse, has vowed to file a formal complaint or bomb a Somalian submarine, whichever comes first. Israel came out as winner and everyone protested.
There was a touching moment during the ceremony when the US, as the invading army, met for the first time the victim, Vietnam, on stage, nearly 45 years after the bloodshed began. The two parties embraced each other, toasted Champagne, posed for pictures and then reminisced about the carnage. General Tuc Phao, 79, said: “He killed my entire village. I’m the only survivor.” To which General William Westerland replied: “You didn’t just survive — you own your own Subway franchise.”
Mr Phao said: “Yes, thanks to you.”
“Oh, stop. You’re make me blush,” Gen Westerland said. They then embraced and were later spotted on stage doing karaoke at the Kalishnakov after party.
Russia was also featured later in the lifetime achievement award. To celebrate their awards, the country drank heavily and then invaded Finland and Poland again.
