The resort's new owners are struggling over where to put the "vacancy" sign
Global Comfort, a major hotel and resort chain, plans to transform the Guantanamo Bay detention centre in Cuba into a 5-star Carribbean resort once the US military is done with it.
“It’s quite a magical place, ” said Terry Umlaut, Global Comfort chief executive. “Once we spruce up the place and add some hanging flower baskets, cabana boys and offer cheap daiquiris, nobody will care about the torture that went on.”
China and several other regimes were reported last month to be in talks with the US over leasing the site and its cells because their jails are full. “Jails cost money but resorts make money so when you think about it, it really was a no-brainer for the military to quit the sector and concentrate on their core business of killing.”
Cable TV and free in-suite coffee will be provided for each room. There will be an additional charge for real toilets.
But Global Comfort secured the deal with some last-minute sweeteners. “In the end we offered to keep a few rooms open for special guests of the US military. Naturally room service will be limited for those rooms,” Mr Umlaut said.
Paris Hilton, Jay-Z and other celebrities are being offered publicity deals to help promote the site. Mr Umlaut said the three camps will be linked by electric fences, guard towers and a pool. Guests will be ordered offered painful luxurious in-room services during lockdowns and stretching machines will be transformed into ping-pong tables.
Free water-boarding skiing lessons will also be available.
