The western world is full of overweight diabetic alcoholics. While that may sound ideal, it’s generally accepted within the medical and shaman communities to be problematic. So why not just combine two of the world’s healthiest animals: a salmon and a turkey? People will get healthier and kids will think twice about throwing rocks at birds.

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Television network NBC has announced that a “Friends” spin-off show about the cast’s “imaginary friends” has been cancelled after the pilot episode screened poorly.

“As you might expect imaginary friends are hard to film because they are invisible. In the end, the entire pilot episode was basically the cafe or the apartment, some furniture and a fern and nothing happened. It wasn’t very entertaining,” said one insider.

The Actor’s Guild applauded the cancellation as they were planning to strike if imaginary actors threatened the jobs of union members. “Our industry already suffers from recycled jokes, fake ‘reality’ dramas and unrealistic plot twists …  imaginary characters are simply crossing the line,” said a union boss.

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It came as a shock to some men (including, erm, us) that women do not like being judged on their looks by men (so what’s with the chicken fillets? You confusin’ us!). And that particularly goes for the gym. If women don’t like being ogled then they should consider not wearing those sexy yoga pants (honestly, they make ANY butt look great — even Rosanne Barr looks hot in yoga pants*). Instead, why not wrap yourself around a large toga-style blanket? Would that turn off men so much that only women would go to yoga class?

Probably not. Men are vultures and will find any excuse to chase skirts/togas, but it’s a nice, endearing thought: that women could enjoy their yoga class without some guy discreetly positioning himself in the back row where he gets the best view. The pervert!

Either way, it could end up creating the world’s worst exercise craze or the world’s best party.

(*Editor’s note: Can we get a source on this? We’re journalists, damn it!)

Brilliant or Stupid? Maybe we should exercise our brains a bit more...

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A common complaint to call-in radio shows by the elderly who want all young people and immigrants to receive tough justice is that judges are out of touch with the rest of society (ie: the judges spend all day perched in their courtrooms, eat at fancy restaurants and drive expensive cars with long, superior sounding names such as Lincoln, Navigator, Excelsior, etc).

But a more accurate criticism is that the wheels of criminal justice system move too slowly. Here’s an idea to speed them up.

Set up a crack team of judges who respond on scooters (quicker to navigate traffic jams) to the incident where they could make a speedy verdict. Think about it: if cops are already on the scene, they have plenty of witnesses, and have someone in custody, why wait months or years for that person to go through a lengthy trial process? Why not allow the judge to make a preliminary verdict on the spot and have the bad guy hauled away to jail. Society would be better off because a bad guy is behind bars, and the bad guy would still be able to prove his innocence later while he waits for his real trial to begin.

Too far-fetched? In that case just transplant this idea to a sit-com starring Judge Judy (though she might be in one of those seniors’ scooters instead of a cool little Vespa.)

Brilliant or Stupid? You be the judge (geddit?)...

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Russia has beat out the USA, Israel and Nato to win the coveted 2009 Warrior of the World award during a televised ceremony in London, UK.

Russian General Gogol gets a congratulatory phone call from his mum

The judges applauded Russia’s ability to not only maintain a war in Chechnya for several years but to also keep the war out of the headlines. Russia also received bonus points thanks to rumours that they invaded Laos last month without so much as a blog post written against them. The Kremlin could neither confirm nor deny the report because they were right in the middle of lunch.

However, the judgment did not sit well with the American media, which are now claiming that the points system used to decide this year’s winner should be based on total number dead rather than total lands occupied. Fox News is already declaring the USA winners.

This year there were five nations/entities vying for the small arms close-combat category: China, Russia, Congo (including assorted militias and gangs), Israel and terrorist group al-Qaeda. However, al-Qaeda was disqualified for not RSVP’ing to the Awards Ceremony and they had to give up their table to Quebecois separatists, who received 3 nominations thanks to a Canadian government grant. Al-Qaeda’s leader, who is a famous recluse, has vowed to file a formal complaint or bomb a Somalian submarine, whichever comes first. Israel came out as winner and everyone protested.

There was a touching moment during the ceremony when the US, as the invading army, met for the first time the victim, Vietnam, on stage, nearly 45 years after the bloodshed began. The two parties embraced each other, toasted Champagne, posed for pictures and then reminisced about the carnage. General Tuc Phao, 79, said: “He killed my entire village. I’m the only survivor.” To which General William Westerland replied: “You didn’t just survive — you own your own Subway franchise.”

Mr Phao said: “Yes, thanks to you.”

“Oh, stop. You’re make me blush,” Gen Westerland said. They then embraced and were later spotted on stage doing karaoke at the Kalishnakov after party.

Russia was also featured later in the lifetime achievement award. To celebrate their awards, the country drank heavily and then invaded Finland and Poland again.

A Danish tourist, sitting up wind, enjoys high tea at Hoboland

One billion people go hungry every day, says a UN report. What can we do to help feed the hungered and foodless? Why not plant fruit trees in parks and let anyone enjoy the tasty results whenever they like? The benefits are: kids get exercise by climbing trees and picking mangoes; fruit is healthy; trees are good for the environment; and it’s all free!

Also, this idea could help solve unemployment by hiring the jobless to maintain the trees, pick up apple cores, and look after disabled kids who can’t pick their own fruit. If a city does not like the idea of free food for all, the city could charge an admission fee and have the jobless collect tickets and ration out who gets what.

This podcast might be too long for your ADD-addled brain, but try to stick around till the second half when we solve homelessness and unemployment with the opening of “HoboLand!”

Brilliant or Stupid? It's gotta be possible...

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(Editor’s note: Hey, is anyone gonna write a story about this?!)

(Reporter’s note: The headline says it all. You want me to get a quote from a senator or vampire or something?)

(Editor’s note: On second thought, it might upset mothers. Get some cute puppy pics instead…)

Some idiot out there is always whining about how people are not nice any more, that there’s no sense of community in our big, soul-less, drive-through ubiquitous Starbucks megatropoli (is that plural for megatropolis?!)

Perhaps a solution lies in the one place we most desire to be left alone — the bus. The authorities could pass out a bus/coffee loyalty card to help encourage bus passengers become friendly with each other. Every second person on the bus gets a special coupon for two free coffees. The only catch being that the person must bring another bus passenger with them to collect the coffees.

People would then get to know the other regular bus commuters and possibly become friends, lovers or just polite passing acquaintances. Granted, this naive view of turning a bus ride into a mobile party has its flaws (someone would definitely try to bring a pair of bongos for one) but the point remains that the world would be a better place if we did not look upon other bus passengers as scumbag murdering war criminals. After all, only about 10% of the general population has murderous intentions and this idea could help flush out the terrorists among us.

Brilliant or Stupid? Obviously we had too much coffee before recording this...

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Japan’s indoor beach has been hit by a tsunami, though there were no injuries as beach staff responded quickly by pulling the plug and draining the pool.

The beach, built inside a dome that offers sun, sand and sharks 365 days a year, is where beach bums get the comfort of a climate-controlled experience complete with volcanos and artificial sea full of flora, fauna and funa.

The “beach” (or ‘old polluted industrial complex’ as it is known on local maps) also has a retractable sun roof on the dome so weather permitting, outdoor elements such as dive-bombing seagulls can enter and harass picnicgoers.

TV executives and makers of pirated merchandise are eagerly awaiting the latest fad to reach hormonally charged teenagers: werewolves.

“Vampires on television shows are so  last year,” said one television executive who annoyingly barked and growled throughout the interview. “Werewolves are much sexier than vamps. Think about it: they do it doggy style, which everyone loves, they have lots of hair, big teeth — so much more to offer than vampires with girly hair dating in high school.”

The success of television shows, such as Vampire Diaries, has prompted network executives to seek out the next big thing. This season ABC plans to air the Beverley Hills 9021-growl, in which a group of werewolves form a debating team and have to propose an argument for gun control while constantly fighting the urge to chase cars and fetch the teacher’s slippers.

Sleestaks latest CD is at number 1 on Tokyo's charts

The Sleestak Chronicles, currently showing in Japan, follows a group of teenage Sleestaks as they navigate the awkward phase of dealing with grown-up issues all the while succeeding in their mission to kill humans.

The show, currently just below Japan’s top-rated game show Pain! Pain! Pain!, has already spawned a music group that moves very slowly on stage to Belgian trance music.

The Sleestak show is so successful teenage girls in Japan have flocked to marry lizards.

Ingredients:
1 kilo ground lamb/pork/shrimp/tooth paste
1 curry
1 mint patty (remove chocolate shell)
1 bottle red wine
3 bags of chips
1 (optional)
3 pizza shells or frozen pizzas (DO NOT THAW)

Method:
1) Force your kid to mix all ingredients then let sit for 6 hours. Pray for peace and happiness. Before selecting buns, choose a table or counter to place them on.
2) Take a break. Enjoy nice glass of wine and some chips.
3) Find solace in fact that you are not jeopardizing your health with doughnuts. This recipe has trace amounts of vitamins.
4) Fry 4 cups of oil in pan/steel garbage can. Simmer and baste.
5 ) Call your mother. She deserves to hear from you more than once a year on her birthday.
6) Chop onions, garlic and buns.
7) Disregard step 6 — there are no garlic and onions in this recipe.
7A) Talk to your ingredients. Tell them you need to work together as a team. Discard any rebels.
8C) Take your lover firmly, unzip [CENSORED]
9) Blend until chunky
10) Complain about the mess to your roommates/family and have a fit until they help clean everything up.
11) Bon ape tits!

Here’s an idea for a new sitcom based on a recently-enacted British law which decrees that a man who has many wives can receive welfare payments for up to 4 wives as long as they were married in a country where polygamy is legal.

So, our main character — a straight, lazy man (yes, they do exist) thinks he has discovered a loophole to working — takes a trip to Dubai and marries four different women and brings them back to London.

The twist is that the women are not all Muslims; one is, but the other three are from various different ethnic and political backgrounds. Perhaps a white Buddhist, a Chinese Jew, a black atheist (or whatever the network executives want).

So as if it isn’t difficult enough to be married to 4 women, our straight man is surrounded by four women from different faiths, races and of varying levels of women’s liberation.

The beauty of this premise is that the show can make fun of every political, religious and gender-specific debate and not get in trouble because it hits all targets in every episode. Either that or the show gets in trouble every week and the network cashes in on the controversy. It’s a win-win situation (Win-win is the Chinese Jew).

Possible titles for this sitcom could be:

My Great Big Greek Muslim Jew Italian Chinese Wedding

4 Weddings and a Welfare Cheque

Married to a Mob

The Harem Globetrotters

Brilliant or Stupid? Let us know...

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A comic artist who has actually been on many dates (some of them with women) has been unlucky in his quest to have a new action word — Fubhl — approved for his comic series The Bus Stop Chronicles.

The artist, Erick Apostrophe, isn't in this photo.

Erick Apostrophe had hoped to use the word in the same way other comics such as Batman and Spider-Man employ such onomatopoeia (Editor’s note: Please, please spell-check that word), or words that imitate or suggest the source of the sound that it describes.  Such famous examples are Kapow, Zap, Wham, and Snuffleupagus. (Editor’s note: Ditto on the spell-chek)

Mr Apostrophe whined: ”That sound burst is integral for my evil creation, Dr Bark, an evil arbourist* who flings growling squirrels at his enemies. The sound burst is the sound the squirrels make when they hit a vital organ.”

But comic book authorities disagreed. ”It sounds like the name of an eastern European car. We have to have high standards. We’ll never live down our mistake of allowing “Oh-Bama” last year,” said a statement read out by a man in his 30s who still dresses like he’s 18.

(*The opinions reflected in this story are not those of BS.com — someone is bound to be pro-life)

The town of Jobbsbintakken, Norway has filed a lawsuit against Google after their mapping system gave up on the town’s city centre and replaced it with a giant unhappy face.

“Maps are too literal,” the mayor said. “Our map is a work of art. You have to remember that the donkey is not necessarily meant to be a farm animal, but rather it’s meant for each viewer to think about what it is they are looking at and if they get something out of it, then that is great!”

The town’s avant garde approach to city planning has already earned it kudos for its bold decision to turn the local airport’s runway into a super long bowling alley.

The Anti-Everything Brigade’s inaugural meeting was halted just after it began as members protested each other.

“The meeting was held in Portland and that’s a non-starter right there because a council member dared to travel to Israel,” said one protester. “Plus, the agenda was written on only 50 per cent recycled paper, which is worse than genocide!”

One member started a fire after the buffet table contained Krispy Kreme doughnuts. His motion calling for a ban on all multinational corporatations was passed, then defeated, then declared null and void, but later approved in principle with 500 conditions and caveats.

An afternoon that was originally planned to organize protests against a long litany of corporate criminals came to an end when the AEB recognized that the only logical conclusion to endless protests was to shut themselves down.

Most protesters/members admitted they got tired of voting against everything. “After 6 hours of putting our arms up and shouting down speakers we’d had enough. But in the end we successfully voted to ban ourselves which is quite the accomplishment,” said one happy member.

A self-congratulatory press release from the AEB claimed that “ours is the first progressive organization in history which avoided the bourgeois trap of ever-increasing bureaucratic growth by successfully shutting ourselves down through the power of grassroots direct action.”

The superhero known as Prospector (a grizzled 1800s gold digger from the Klondike days who carries a pick axe and rides a flying donkey) says he is upset that Hollywood has yet to offer him a movie deal.

“It’s discrimination just cuz I ain’t sexy, dagnabbit!” he spat. “Spider Man is a freak! He shoots gooey stuff out of his wrists, fergawdsakes! And don’t get me started on them Fantastic Four? One guy creates fire. Another stretches himself. Gimme a break — all they got is parlour tricks!”

Child poverty groups have condemned recent moves to stop militias and armies from recruiting child soldiers in Africa. “At least when they were in the militias they got fresh air and exercise. Now they just watch Scooby Doo reruns and get fat,” scoffed one UN worker.

[Editors' note: Can someone fix that headline? Those kids can't afford a couch and I'm sure they don't know what a potato is.]

The resort's new owners are struggling over where to put the "vacancy" sign

Global Comfort, a major hotel and resort chain, plans to transform the Guantanamo Bay detention centre in Cuba into a 5-star Carribbean resort once the US military is done with it.

“It’s quite a magical place, ” said Terry Umlaut, Global Comfort chief executive. “Once we spruce up the place and add some hanging flower baskets, cabana boys and offer cheap daiquiris, nobody will care about the torture that went on.”

China and several other regimes were reported last month to be in talks with the US over leasing the site and its cells because their jails are full. “Jails cost money but resorts make money so when you think about it, it really was a no-brainer for the military to quit the sector and concentrate on their core business of killing.”

Cable TV and free in-suite coffee will be provided for each room. There will be an additional charge for real toilets.

But Global Comfort secured the deal with some last-minute sweeteners. “In the end we offered to keep a few rooms open for special guests of the US military. Naturally room service will be limited for those rooms,” Mr Umlaut said.

Paris Hilton, Jay-Z and other celebrities are being offered publicity deals to help promote the site. Mr Umlaut said the three camps will be linked by electric fences, guard towers and a pool. Guests will be ordered offered painful luxurious in-room services during lockdowns and stretching machines will be transformed into ping-pong tables.

Free water-boarding skiing lessons will also be available.

As a public service for our blind audience BrilliantOrStupid.com has created the world’s first website for the blind. Click here to learn more. No, not here … Go back a few spaces … No … Now you’re way off … Oh, forcryinoutloud!

(Publisher’s note: Forget it, we’ll never sell ads for this)