Brilliant or Stupid?

It’s official: the 2010 Vancouver-Whistler Winter Olympics has been deemed boring — five months ahead of schedule.

While many believe the competitions are expected to be fun and exciting, many fear the non-sporting events, such as the opening and closing ceremonies, cultural events and public parties intended to show off the city will be boring and embarrassing. “We are so lame. It’s all moose, moose, moose, Bryan Adams, Avril Lavigne, lumberjacks and igloos,” said the official Vancouver Olympics Organizing Committee (Vanoc) statement.

Already the city’s citizenry are gearing up to hang their hang their heads in collective shame.

As one Vancouver resident said: “I’ve put all my family, friends and colleagues’ phone numbers who don’t live here on speed dial. As soon as the Opening Ceremony begins I’m going to call everyone I know and apologise.”

“Belgium is cooler than us!” screamed one hysterical teenager.

Even the city’s newspapers are upset. Columnist Miro Cernnitigg, I mean, Cernet, Cirne, C-I-R-N … um, let me just copy/paste the name in here MIRO CERNETIG, of the Vancouver Sun wrote a front-page plea headlined: ”Can we please make Canada cool in 2010″.

However, provincial bureaucrats have already rejected that idea, saying proposals regarding “coolness” must be submitted early so they can be properly vetted by various committees. Said one belligerent provincial bureaucrat: “Having fun is a privilege not a right!”

A global shortage of stairs has erupted as shipments of stairs have all but stopped despite a huge rise in demand for stairs and staircases.

Reports are coming in from across the globe of individuals being stranded on floors above 1, though some have escaped the carnage with the help of firetruck ladders.

Construction companies have resorted to installing giant kiddie slides in the meantime. Health agencies say people are having more fun once they slide down but are confused by how to get back up.

“A mysterious Russian conglomerate has been buying up stair shipments, with what appears to be the tacit approval of the Kremlin,” says Stairs-and-landings.com,  a website that tracks shipments and is really interesting considering the extremely dull nature of the industry they cover. “The Russians want to be global leaders in energy and stairs. Once they control those things, they control the world.”

But one industry veteran, who has warned about this for some time and instead uses a hoist to lift himself up, said: “I suspect we are in for a long, long winter of fewer stairs.”

He suggested washing the stairs regularly with warm soapy water and vaccuuming once or twice a month to help prolong the life of stairs. He then provided the accompanying image on the right (to your right that is, not my right) depicting what can happen if people do not take proper care of their stairs.

In 1963 the British government decided to test the effects of LSD on soldiers. The results prove that the world would be a much more peaceful place if mind-altering drugs were legalized. The footage begs the question: rather than shoot at our enemies can’t we just spike their water with acid?

The man who created the first advertisement featuring a bumbling dad has been charged with discrimination by a leading human rights agency.

“People have to realise that not all dads are goofballs. Many are perfectly capable of cleaning a toilet or vaccuuming a rug. The man who created these advertisements, Edgar Hayes, is clearly a monster,” said the agency.

“I’m really, really sorry. I had no idea that an innocent advertisement I created  in 1956 for Island Springs Butter would snowball into such a nasty trend,” says the 85-year-old Hayes, who fell over a chair during this interview. ”But it’s not my fault today’s ad people can’t come up with anything original. I’m going to hell for this.”

“Rolls, hot cross, finger and bottom buns, I’ve heard them all,” she says.

Celebrity Finger is looking for more pics of the rich and famous making love to the camera and is offering $250 dollars [Ed's note: that's Jamaican dollars] for up-and-coming members of the paparazzi.

So grab your camera and start stalking, kids! [To all junior editors: if you have to update this story in the future make sure you keep that comma between stalking and kids.]

For less info than we just give you click here.

According to a postcard from my garden gnome, an earthquake measuring 8.8 on the Richter scale has wiped out the armies of Senegal and Gambia, effectively ending the week-long standoff. The death toll is estimated at 1.7 million people but since no North Americans were killed, this story is now officially over.

Editor’s note: Can someone deal with this story? There’s no headline, no caption, no copy. V embarassing to have this sitting here.

Sub-editor’s note: Embarrassing has two Rs in it.

Newsdesk’s note: Can we stand this story up? Wires are quite vague on how many lives/damage caused…..

Editor’s note: quite right. Two Rs. I stand corrected.

The African country of Senegal has declared war on Gambia. The two countries are scarcely populated, have no natural resources, manufacturing, or good soccer teams. Both countries are so small that you have to look very hard to find them on a map. More news on this will not be forthcoming.

On Japanese game shows a man is trapped inside a giant ball and has to walk awkwardly on stilts towards a tasty bagel.

On Canadian game shows guests discuss disaster preparation policy.

The following noticeboard posted on the Canadian Forces base in Kandahar has been obtained by brilliantorstupid.com.

Lost: One rifle. Platoon stuck without it as soldiers share it. Reward if found.

Vacation property for rent: Three-bedroom villa, ex-Taliban commander’s “palace” features modern open-plan kitchen, skylight, new carpet, in popular “The Palms” residential complex. Big yard for kids to play in or to round up enemies. Amenities include: shower, washer-dryer, microwave, dungeon, splatter-proof walls, etc.

For sale: One tank. Recent oil change, tracks in great shape. One owner (Canada), low mileage. Great for weekend retreats. No air conditioning.

Lost: One super soldier. About 18-feet-tall, three-foot-wide biceps, fires missiles from his lap, never sleeps, easily agitated. If found please return to: Secret CIA Research Station.

Fore sale: Two front row tickets to see Spice Girls tribute act (Please note: they’re all men with beards).

Announcement: This Friday’s paintball weekend retreat has been cancelled at the psychiatric department’s insistence.

Dr Sydney Forb’s foot care clinics can hack away at them in-grown warts.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Is it a wax dummy inside Madame Tusssaud’s? No, he’s unfortunately real. Stephen Harper is Canada’s Prime Minister.

He’s a middle-aged white conservative — Wow! bet he’s a riot at dinner parties. He entered politics after his first taste of power when he won the shoelace tying competition in kindergarten. And his hair looks like it’s made of paper mache. Snore!

The Nasdaq, the Footsie and the other one that has a funny name have all been behaving irrationally, says internationally acclaimed person Dr Edith Hampton-Tin.

“Stocks have been acting too volatile,” she said. “First they go up, then they go down. Granted, we are in a recession, and analysts can’t make forecasts, but all young stocks need discipline.”

Last night Telephonecomcom.net was so distraught it sank 300 points, taking down the entire telecoms sector with it.

“These stocks are bullies and must be rounded up,” said one stock market observer.

A socialist said: “It’s not the stocks’ fault. We put too much pressure on them to perform. The government should provide funding to help stocks.”

Tonight, GCM Industries felt congested. Down Under Barbecues rose 230 points but nobody noticed.

Riots in Beijing followed the news that BHM was feeling cautious about its chances, though a 100,000-strong parade commenced in Tokyo after the group’s spin-off OHM rose 1 per cent.

The NYSE exchange forgot to open but luckily Deutsche Borse stepped in and pretended to be American. Paris’s CAC 40 index was in there too. They plan to leave on the next flight out.

New Zealand announced next Thursday to be Thursday day, after the dotcom group Thursday Technologies announced record profits on sales of its patented memory chips, though no one at the company could quite remember the actual figures.

In Sydney the ASE beat India’s leaderboard by 245.88 points, but New Delhi has announced it was declaring war.

Warning: This footage is shocking and disturbing! Viewer discretion is strongly advised!

Watch the footage below to see drug-crazed Dutch people drink tea (without a bib), ride bicycles (without a helmet!) and read a newspaper (only potheads would do something like read!)

This month BS.com follows the journey of “Sunshine” (aka Tiffany) Palmer, a
21-year-old English major on her six-month trip to Guatemala, courtesy of daddy’s
credit card, where she is living out her dream of casting aside western commercialism
to “empower the earnest indigenous people”.
Read more…

From Pink Tentacle: HRP-4C, a female humanoid robot created by Japan’s National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology (AIST), made her first professional runway appearance at a fashion show in Osaka today.

The chic robot, who stands 158 centimeters (5 ft 2 in) tall and weighs 43 kilograms (95 lbs) with her batteries installed, wore a wedding dress by designer Yumi Katsura.

Developer Kazuhito Yokoi, who appeared at today’s fashion show in a tuxedo, expressed his wishes for the robot’s future. “We hope she can work in fashion and entertainment,” he said, staring pensively at the stage.

Then, as if seeing his creation in a bridal gown had stirred his emotions, he added, “Like the father of a bride, I feel both happy and sad.”

Listen to the podcast below for our thoughts on the pros and cons of a robot wife:

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

“Sales have bombed”, claims local gunman salesman.

Joaquim Crima, a 37-year-old native of Guinea-Bissau, is running for municipal office in the Russian province of Volgograd (tucked between Ukraine and Kazakhstan. It’s a real place. We know because we looked it up). If elected he will be Russia’s first black elected official. Crima has adopted the Russian name Vasily Ivanovich and gained Russian citizenship. He grows and sells fruits and vegetables, mostly watermelons. A black person has never held office in Russia and very few have ever run. Read more here.

Local election officials however say Crima faces an uphill battle just to be taken seriously in Russia. “There is an impression that he is laughing at himself, saying ‘I am a Russian Obama’,” Viktor Sapozhnikov, chief of the district election commission, said.

Bookies’ odds Barack Obama will be assassinated: 12-1.
Bookies’ odds ‘Russian Obama’ will be assassinated: we’d rather not say.