Summer is almost here and remember those  loud-mouthed obnoxious western tourists we used to pickpocket? Oh, how we miss them. Good times.

But their reign as smug global polluter has been usurped by the new super-rich Chinese and if this global economy is to ever get off its lazy ass and start working again, we better start embracing Chinese tourists and changing our ways to suit their needs.

Hence, New Years this year will now be on February 10, public smoking (and spitting on the sidewalk) will be mandatory, chicken feet will be added to McDonald’s Happy Meals, and gambling will be an Olympic event.

Books like the one shown here will need to be rewritten — and read right to left for starters (or is that up and down? Hu knows.) But until then, we can publish one last collector’s edition copy of the bestest-selling travel book ever.

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Episode 4: Gravy chefs required. Apply within

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You’re arguing in the street with some nutbar over some crazy dispute and your brain is about to explode. What you gonna do? Call in a roving referee, of course! Let him pass judgment and you pass on a tip. Problem solved. We got that idea plus at least two more! There’s also Andreas’ wish [...]

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This headline has been cancelled by the glorious leader

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General Daniel Velasquez is a ruthless, conniving, vicious man. His words. Honestly, he made us type those words. And you always want to do as he says. He once invaded another country because its flag was prettier than his. Andreas met up with this former dictator for drinks. In between threats to slice Andreas’ neck, he [...]

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Drunk Bigfoot slurs a plea for St Patrick’s Day

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Brilliantorstupid.com contributor Gerry, a very lonely sasquatch, has an idea to make St Patrick’s Day more inclusive. Andreas met up with him to hear his idea. In a feeding frenzy he ate Andreas’ right hand (which was holding the camera) so the only image we have is this copy of Vanity Fair magazine’s recent ‘Proust [...]

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Episode 3: You’re dying anyway so throw a party

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Your Family Bucket of comedy is ready for pick-up. We have gut-wrenching jokes on hot topics all neatly packed into a fat 22 minutes of heart-attack inducing fun, featuring an awesome idea to extend the Buy Local campaign to other goods (why buy plastic milk jugs when wood will do fine?), and hear Missing Link [...]

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Brilliant or Stupid? Episode 2.0194039483039

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Who says you don’t get anything for free? We’re offering you a massive 30 minutes of uninterrupted gibberish and assorted ramblings by ourselves and barely-coherent contributors, featuring choice audio musings featuring intelligent (unintelligible?) debate and provocative interviews. Our special guest this week was Fernandanny, spokesman for the Masculine Metrosexual movement, plus we solve the problems [...]

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How the Pope changed hockey forever. Amen

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In this, our second edition of the Missing Link, Andreas proves he’s taken one too many shots to the head with his take on the epic late-1950′s journey of the Pope across the frozen tundra that is the National Hockey League.

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The Missing Link: Cheeseburger Wallpaper

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We’ve created a new party game called “The Missing Link,” in which you get two minutes to connect two random words with a story that nobody would ever believe. Unscripted, untested, and possibly unworthy… Have a couple of shots and then listen to this podcast in which David explains the hidden history that binds the humble cheeseburger and the mighty wallpaper.

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Our gift to you this Xmas: cheap laughs

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In keeping with the warm and fuzzies of the holiday season, we asked our listeners to send us their brilliant ideas to make the world a slightly less stupid place for Christmas. Didn’t work… But at least they provided us with some cheap laughs at their expense, and laughing at other people always brightens the [...]

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Tonight on Prison TV: Dancing with the Guards

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Prisoners get to watch all sorts of crap TV in jail but is that a good thing? They should not be allowed to watch shows that angers up the blood like UFC fights and Fox News. Here’s an innocent idea: let the prisoners have their own TV shows like Extreme Makeover: Prison Edition or Improv at the Parole Board Hearing.

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Our first call-in show!

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Back in the last millenium we threatened to record a call-in show. Well, here it is. Sorry, you had to wait this long for a piece of crap. Never again… BTW, Don’t blame us that only racist stereotypes call our show.

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Our vision for a beautiful world

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If Hitler had been a beautiful woman, they would have let her have all of Europe and Russia and Britain to boot, and we never would have had to suffer through World War II. Unless we’re missing something, this makes perfect sense.

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Porn + Olympics = GOLD!

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3.8 billion people watch the Olympics every four years. 7 billion people watch porn every four minutes. Does this pitch need any more elaboration?

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Porn site shuts itself down

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A pornography website was forced to shut itself down today because the staff became too addicted to viewing porn. “Nobody could get any work done. We spent all our time wanking,” said the CEO who was pulling up his pants.

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It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s SaunaMan!

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On today’s podcast our guest from Finland brought along an irritating Finnish accent and a pitch for a new superhero: SaunaMan.

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New Sitcom idea: Wang in Walla Walla

Lil Wang, an 8-year-old Chinese labourer is transferred to Walla Walla, Washington, to teach incompetent Americans how to build gadgets for China’s new chain of Renminbi Stores. We could write more on this but it’s easier to ask you to hit the play button below.

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Freak Tank: Where numbskulls pitch ideas

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Reality TV shows like Dragon’s Den and Shark Tank leave out the flakes and kookoos even thought they might have a decent idea. That’s not fair. There should also be a show for the droolers and nutbars to pitch their flaky ideas. We’d call it Freak Tank.

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The truth about quickies

A quickie lesson for the youngsters from a couple of grizzled old veterans. Don’t beat yourself up trying to please a lady in bed. She’ll be just as happy to get your sweaty body off her as soon as possible. You’re not the only one who’d rather be watching TV.

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Search for missing elderly dictator continues

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Reuters – Libyan rebels continue to search for Colonel Muammar Gaddafi near the town of Sirte as concern grows for the 69-year-old who is trying to make ends meet on a small pension. “He needs his pills,” said one rebel commander.

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Podcast for the mentally deranged

In this, our first-ever attempt at a video podcast (and it shows!) we finally figure out who our target audience is. Too bad they got no cash…

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North Korea shows the way… backward

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The global economic recovery isn’t going as planned. Maybe it’s time to take a page out of a country known for deliberately lacking pizzazz. North Korea seems to be the only country sleep walking through this recession.

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Delicious ideas for a stinky world

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Hey deodorant companies! I don’t want to smell like honeysuckle, rosehip, patchoulie or Penelope Cruz. Can’t you make a Coconut Curry Body Wash?

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Andreas picks his favourite podcast

You’ve watched him pick his nose… You’ve watched him pick his scabs… You’ve watched him pick his ass… No watch him pick his favourite podcast!

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Move the *&$*#ing delete key!

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We had a great post written here but we fucking deleted it by accident and can’t get it back. Listen to the podcast instead. Fuck, fuck, shitballs..

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Quit coddling wild animals — bring back zoos!

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Zoos are due for a comeback. But first, kids today need some pizzazz. A lightshow by the lion cage and an all-zebra Abba tribute band are a good start. Or how about an ironic zoo for all the cool urban kids?

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Can big dumb beasts do comedy? Kevin James says yes

Thumbnail image for Can big dumb beasts do comedy? Kevin James says yes

Did dinosaurs have a sense of humour? Did they revel in fart jokes and laugh up-roar-iously (roar, geddit?!) when one of them slipped on a banana? We don’t know because science hasn’t looked into it yet.

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Pfft! You call that a riot?

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Must be a slow news summer if the world’s media outlets give up space to a bunch of drunken Canadian hockey fans. Since when is smashing up a drug store and burning a couple of cars more important than Lindsey Lohen’s latest bender? Is it even a riot if the water cannons and tasers don’t [...]

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New Suits!

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OK, the title has absolutely nothing to do with this podcast. But that’s fine because this terrible podcast is beneath any write-up. So listen and enjoy!

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More brilliant ideas hit the real world

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We told you to steal our ideas before someone else does. Well these guys have and their probably super loaded right now.

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Turn your old junk into steak and coffee

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Scientists are so boring. Now they’re working on teleporting a photon of light. Thrills! We have a way better idea. Teleport that useless junk stuffed under our beds and then transmogrify it into a juicy steak dinner or a mocha java.

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Arcticland! The coldest place on Earth

Thumbnail image for Arcticland! The coldest place on Earth

Stephen Harper loves the Arctic. He originally planned to move the capital to the tundra but can’t until Google Street View maps out the terrain for us. Never mind, we have a better idea: Arcticland!

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Unemployed? Why not create your own job?

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There are more annoying people out there than unemployed. Time to address that situation. Give the jobless a ticket book and get them to fine people who do annoying things.

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The next great Superhero: Savant Man!

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Hey, burned-out directors, we’ve got a new superhero movie idea: Evil scientist is forced to take care of his idiot savant nephew. Think X-Men meets Rain Man

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An offer you can’t refuse (to watch)

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Because no intelligent human would watch a commercial of his or her own free will, marketing firms of the future will be forced to find ways that force you to watch their stupid advertising.

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Ring, ring! No one’s home — You been call rejected!

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We have caller ID, call display, and other features we never use. So how about a truly needy service: Call Rejected. Press a button and you will never receive annoying calls from telemarketers, heavy breathers, and distant relatives wanting cash.

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26 Words You Can’t Say in the Future

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B-word or S-word? Listen to the pod then call us the R-word…

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Want pot legalized? Get ‘The Man’ on board

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Here’s a lesson in salesmanship: Do you think those two conmen who allegedly separately ‘sold’ the Brooklyn Bridge to naive tourists around the early 20th century, approached their marks while wearing cut-off jeans, 20-year-old bargain bin sandals and a beaten-up, pit-stained Grateful Dead T-shirt? No, of course not. So read on and listen to our wild idea.

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‘Nothing From The Future’ Shop

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The “Future Shop” doesn’t have anything to do with the future, but merely sells electronics that were futuristic about 20 years ago. OK, so what if this has nothing to do with ideas, we’re allowed to just moan about shit too.

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Culture Clubs

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You go into any town and guaranteed some expat Brit or Irish lad will have set up a token Irish bar or a token Beatles-themed joint. Whatever. They’re all fine. But how come other cultures don’t take advantage of their own cultural icons and export them around the world? A critically important question right?

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Regulate religion before it regulates you

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Any nutbar can create a religion. Then that priest or vicar or sheikh or rabbi or druid can go around and preach anything that “God” pops into their heads. Doesn’t that seem wrong? We think so.

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CNN: The most Crusty Name In News

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CNN is passe. How about instead the ONN: The Old News Network. Simply rerun old news that you know is a ratings winner. Michael Jackson’s death, the O.J. trial, the Space Shuttle explosion, 9/11. Sort of like the greatest hits of news!

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The Invention of Dying

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If you can’t get us a meeting with Ricky Gervais don’t bother reading this idea. Because we have the greatest idea for a sequel to “The Invention of Lying.”

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Invent these, get rich, send us some cash

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Admit it, you’ve always wanted to be a crazy inventor and get huge royalty cheques brought to your house by Ed McMahon. Too bad you don’t have any ideas. Well here you go. We have ideas but no skills. So start building.

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Waterguns — America’s last line of defense

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Thanks to the National Rifle Association’s commitment to upholding the right of every American child to own a water gun, the US military has noticed a dramatic improvement in kids’ target shooting practice.

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Career Advice for the Drunk and Hungover

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Why expend all that energy staying sober so that you don’t get fired? Why not get a job where you are more effective after a few drinks? Or how about a job where showing up hungover doesn’t affect your work performance at all?

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The Ex-Con Loyalty Card and Talk Show

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Has anyone noticed that we do way too many podcasts on prisoners and jail? Probably because we expect to end up there one day….

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The Never-Ending Story — for real this time

Thumbnail image for The Never-Ending Story — for real this time

Here’s a new idea that virtually anyone with a video camera can do. Break the world’s record for longest movie ever made. Come on, you got time on your hands. Don’t waste it playing video games when you can film yourself playing video games. Be proactive, dammit!

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Lasting images from the World Cup of Fruit

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With Spain winning this year’s World Cup of Fruit we can now brag that the small, stupid idea we had all those years ago (listen to the podcast below: Time to Sex Up Fruit?) has finally become a global phenomena! Next up: Vuvuzela hip-hop. By the way, Cornell university researchers discovered that if you put fruit in brightly lit baskets kids would eat them. Isn’t higher edumacation great?

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If you’re going to punish yourself, do it with pizzazz

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If you’re fat like us, you need more motivation at the gym. What better way to get back into shape than exercising under the constant threat of physical harm?

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Scientists seek the fountain of youthlessness

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Stupid scientists. First they ruin sex with their biology textbooks, and now they are working on a drug that will let us live for hundreds of years.

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Lost, The Reality Show

still from proposed reality TV Show 'Lost'

Now that “Lost” is over it would be a shame to let such a money-making franchise go to pot. That’s why we need to find J.J. Abrams’ phone number so we can pitch him the next great reality TV show.

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Can’t decide? Try the one-item restaurant

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When mom used to call us in for dinner we knew what was waiting for us: Monday was meatloaf night, Tuesday was spaghetti and meatballs and so on. Life was good, but then chefs had to get all cocky and create thousands of dishes. We’re spoiled for choice in the west. Time to simplify things. Welcome to the one-item restaurant.

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Brad Pitt’s kidneys for sale, get ‘em while he’s still hot

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We suggest one of our enterprising readers create the Celebrity Cloned Organ Bank. The supply of cloned organs is endless, just like the supply of star-struck idiots with too much disposable income.

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Steal this idea: Subliminal dog training tapes

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There is one money-making venture that has yet to be done: subliminal training CDs for dogs. It’s a natural fit. Dogs need training, and dog owners need useless junk to spend their money on.

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Don’t donate your organs, hoard them

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Doctors have been known to remove your appendix without asking (it’s under “Miscellaneous” on your hospital bill). But what if we need them in the future? You could keep one healthy appendix so that it could be cloned in the future. Where’s the harm in that? Haven’t you ever thrown out a pair of jeans or shoes and then realized oh, wait I could’ve used them now. Like Joni Mitchell sang in the ode to her kidney “you don’t know what you got til it’s gone”.

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Coma Air — the world’s quietest airline

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Customer: Hi, I’d like a return ticket to Paris. Airline sales agent: Certainly, however, I am required to disclose there are extra charges for luggage. Customer: Yeah, figured there might be. Sales agent: Did I say luggage? I meant legroom. And meals. And beverages, though water is complimentary with a purchase from our duty free [...]

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Ma’am, may I see your licence to live?

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School doesn’t teach real life skills, so how do you know if the person in the next cubicle is capable of making microwave popcorn without burning down the kitchen? You don’t, obviously. In fact, if you’re about to hire new staff make sure they can perform this vital office function. But we digress: the point [...]

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Cereal Mascots + Superhero Movies = Hollywood Gold!

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WARNING: BrilliantOrStupid.com has been issued a “cease & desist” order from Kellogg’s to stop using their characters in our podcasts. Of course, the net worth of our company is well below zero so we’re not too worried about losing it all in a court case. You, however, might have some money in a jar somewhere [...]

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Exciting Canada: two words you never thought you’d see together

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Canada might be the most boring country on Earth. But at least we can be rich. Actually, these ideas will make us rich and exciting. Super Thrilling Idea #1: Rent-a-Nation Since we have vast amounts of inhospitable wasteland, we could sell off pieces of our country to people who want to form their own nation [...]

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Searching for God? There’s an app for that

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Our Father, who art in electronics shop hallowed be thy domain name Thy kingdom come in and browse. Thy will be done, for a price* On earth as it is in cyberspace. Give us this day our daily app. And forgive us our porn trespasses, As we forgive those who Facebook tag us. And lead [...]

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They’ve tried the best, now try the rest

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Palestinians grow a pair, decide to join UN club

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Salam Fayyad, the prime minister of the Palestinian Authority, has never held a gun nor been arrested, which is quite an accomplishment for someone who lives in a ‘hood that last saw peace in 1928 1853 1603 the middle ages 67 A.D 2500 B.C. just a few minutes before Cain found a rock big enough to [...]

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Cure your spoiled brat with a vacation at Dangerland

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Kids have it way too easy these days. Their moms drive them to school. They get to eat cheeseburgers for lunch (not fair. All us old guys ever had was leftover baloney). Nobody is allowed to hit them. And there is free porn available on every computer — honestly, they have no idea how hard [...]

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This podcast sucks — must have been made in China

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I got what I wanted for my seventh birthday! My granny is sending me to Shanghai to start my first job! I have dreamt of leaving the rice paddies for half of my life, and now I’m going to the big city. I’ll do my big sister’s job. Her hands are too big to get [...]

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Squeegee Kids go corporate

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Squeegee kids are clearly not professional. Everything about them is amateur: the dreadlocks, the nose rings, the lack of a decent pension plan. They could use some professional guidance, say in the form of a pimp or a corporation that could exploit them in exchange for minimum wage and a vest emblazoned with advertising.  Just think [...]

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Brilliant or Stupid? sees the future

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Not only are we excellent at coming up with useless ideas, but we’re also masters at having those ideas ripped off by other people in order to form tomorrow’s world. For example, this morning’s newspaper (Editors note: erm, should we explain what a newspaper is?) had a couple of stories that prove again that we [...]

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Orangutans dominate Big Brother Zoo

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A family of orangutans has won the 18th season of Big Brother Zoo edition against their human cousins. The orangutans beat in tasks including gossiping and having sex in the backyard. “Ooh-ooh! Orangutan win!, Orangutan win!” exclaimed Koko ‘the Monkey’ Chanel.

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We just solved Global Warming — let’s party in Jamaica

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Back in the days of cavemen — sorry, cave people — sorry, nomadic early humanoids — people would live anywhere they could find food. This is what led the morons to migrate north and south away from the warm lands of Africa. (Let’s face it, our ancestors weren’t too bright, they would’ve walked into a [...]

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The evolution of Hooters: less ass, more class

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Evolution has a funny way of working: man came from apes, but while apes are still smart enough to subsist on healthy bananas, men stuff their faces with wings and nachos. They don’t even like nachos (let’s face facts: anything with green onions on it is technically a salad), but it’s a great excuse to [...]

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